I can’t begin to describe my love for cinema, but being a film critic, sometimes people have these preconceived notions about what my taste for movies must be. Some think that I am “that guy who hates all movies” just because I think Spider-man is one of the worst films ever made in the history of motion pictures. But I am not “that guy”. Really. If I am, how come there is a copy of 2 Fast 2 Furious on my DVD shelf next to my copy of Rashomon and Once Upon A Time In The West? Even though it’s on my shelf, I’d never want to see that movie on Turner Classic Movies. I know better than that.
Unfortunately for millions of cable viewers out there in television land, one of our channels does not know better. AMC (an acronym that once stood for “”American Movie Classics” but now it probably means “”American Movie Cornucopia-of-garbage”) is a station I once looked up to but it’s no big secret that the channel hit rock bottom long ago. I don’t remember exactly when it started. Who is their programming director? Two Weeks Notice“? I’d actually break up with a girl if she had that on her shelf (some films are that unforgivable).
I had strep throat last week and it hurt like nothing I could imagine. My throat felt like something Cannibal Corpse once sang about”¦ something about being force-fed broken glass. Then I had to get a shot in my bum and that felt like someone was shooting fire in my cheek. So I stayed at home for a few days and watched some television and that’s when I noticed just how bad things got since the days when AMC showed Predator like it was about to be abolished from the Earth.
They grew tired of Schwarzenegger, and even grew tired of Glover too (as they also showed Predator 2 a couple of times if I recall correctly). As I sat there on my couch, bum still hurting from the shot, I glanced through the guide on my television at all the movies scheduled to play on AMC over the next few days.
I was shocked and awed at some of the titles. Among them, these straight-to-video Universal sequels:
- Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice
- Skulls 2
- Tremors 3: Back to Perfection
Other sequels were there too:
- Home Alone 3
- House II: The Second Story
- Jaws 3
- Jaws: The Revenge
- The Godfather III
They did however; try to enlighten a few minds of original films that were later remade:
- The Flight of the Phoenix
- The Poseidon Adventure
“¦but then they ruined their attempts by showing one awful remake and one somewhat decent remake:
- The In Laws (2003)
- Insomnia (2002)
Other titles worthy of mentioning in the “”not-so-classic” category:
- Home Alone 3
- The Caveman’s Valentine
- Never Say Never Again
- Murder By Numbers
- Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins”¦
How did it come to this? Is there really that much of a television demand for Slap Shot 2? It has a Baldwin brother in it for Pete’s sake.
This channel must be stopped. It must be destroyed, erased from existence. Or maybe, someone will get smart and fire AMC’s program director. Unless it’s an evil robot that destroys anything in it’s path.
If that’s the case, I guess no one will have to worry about missing Teen Wolf 3 when the time comes to end that trilogy.