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By Ron Wells | August 19, 2001

EPISODE 1: THE STRAIGHT DOPE ^ Kids, let’s not even pretend that I’m about to give some impersonal review of today’s nominal subject, Kevin Smith’s “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”. You’ll be lucky if I even get around to that in less than anytime soon. No, I’m just here to tell you a story, a PERSONAL story. Join me and we’ll explore a tale of the Internet, and the strange power it possesses to bring people together. Think of it as, “Film Threat: Behind the Hate Mail.” At least I think it’s funny.
Why now? Well, indie-film poster-child Smith has sworn this new comedy will be his swan song to his trademarked creations, Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (el directoro himself). These beloved drug-dealing scamps have graced all five of the auteur’s features, not to mention comic books, action figures, and whatever else struck their puppet-master’s fancy. Not only have many of the actors, but many of the characters from Smith’s other movies are here for one last potty-mouthed ride.
HOWEVER, though seeming to be a bid to take on more adult projects (presumably build upon something other than Star Wars and dick jokes), Kevin isn’t above using this opportunity to address a few old grudges. You see, the plot kicks off like this: If you recall from Chasing Amy, Jay and friend licensed their images to a couple of friends to use for their comic, “Bluntman and Chronic”. Known only by these two-dimensional caricatures, our THC-enhanced heroes have endured much ridicule from all over the Web. Worse, a big Hollywood adaptation soon begins production starring some knucklehead from the WB and kid who stuck his dick in a pie from some other movie. Embittered and determined, Jay and Silent Bob vow to stop the film and silence all the a******s on the Internet who talked s**t about them. Sure, they could just get stoned and forget the whole thing, but where’s the honor or fun in that? Besides, this time it’s PERSONAL!
Hmmm…. let’s see…. Clerks came from his job in a convenience store, Chasing Amy came from his unconsummated relationship with Guinevere Turner from “Go Fish,” Dogma was about his views on his religion… Hey, do you think Kevin is actually pissed off by any of those jokers on the Web? Let’s take a peek at the new September 2001 issue of PREMIERE magazine. What did he say was the worst thing anyone ever said about him on the Internet?
‘Ron Wells from wrote this review for Dogma where he didn’t review the movie in the first two or three paragraphs so much as he reviewed me, and said that by watching my movies, he feels like I’m a guy who doesn’t get laid.’
Huh. Well, isn’t that just funny? As a matter of fact, he has more to say about me in that article. Actually, he’s cursed my name on a few other public occasions, once when I was even in the room. Wait a second, are you seeing a pattern here? You don’t suppose… that his new movie… was actually born from… his anger at little old ME?!?!?!
To think that Kevin Smith was pissed at me for nearly two years and most of the time I didn’t even know. I must say, this just makes all the times I’ve ridiculed him that much sweeter. Still, if he’s willing to stop playing to his well cultivated (if uncritical) audience, I’m ready to put this silly animosity behind us. Or, make it much worse, who knows? I have a few carefully chosen last words for Silent Bob. Basically his reaction to my final message will determine which direction this little pissing contest of ours with go. Are we ready to rumble?
…and Carly Simon sings: I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you…
Get the whole story in the next chapter EPISODE II: THE REVENGE OF THE J’>>>

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