21. SPIKE LEE
2004 has not been a good year for Spike Lee, he managed to produce a film that was almost as good and twice as offensive as Gigli. Assuming for some reason that you do decide to see Mars Blackmon’s new film, having to say the words She Hate Me out loud to the person in the ticket booth alone is embarrassing enough to reconsider.
Anti-Freeze: If all else fails, beg Nike for another job pushing sweatshop tennis shoes.
22. HILARY DUFF
Face it, kid… even though Lindsay Lohan shares a place with you on this list, she still owns you. The critical drubbing A Cinderella Story and “Raise Your Voice” received should demonstrate once and for all that whatever inexplicable popularity the “Lizzie Maguire” TV series garnered doesn’t translate to the big screen. Two teen twits bickering over who’s the most empty-headed, disposable pop star is actually more entertaining than their movies.
Anti-Freeze: Duff VS. Lohan – A Steel Cage Match!
23. JON VOIGHT
He was only in Tomb Raider because his daughter Angelina Jolie was in it. She was only in it because she’s hot. Now that Jolie has decided her father is a jerk, he probably won’t be getting as much work. I don’t know about the future, but the present is looking bleak. How bleak: “SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2” …case closed.
Anti-Freeze: You’ll always have “Deliverance” (and a hot daughter).
24. PAUL W.S. ANDERSON
You have successfully tarnished every single thing you have ever touched and this year alone, we were subjected to two of your creations. First, your screenplay for Resident Evil: Apocalypse will no doubt get you a Razzie nomination. Second, your combination of both the Alien and Predator franchises in Alien Vs. Predator ruined every fan boys’ dream.
Anti-Freeze: Um, we can’t think of a thing. Why does Hollywood think you’re a good director again?
25. MEG RYAN
The aging sugarplum belatedly realized she was getting long in the tooth for sticky-sweetie romantic roles. But her lack of talent was cruelly displayed with disastrous persona-bending roles in flops such as In the Cut and Against the Ropes (which should’ve been called “On the Shelf,” given the repeated delays in releasing it). Some perverse laughs can be found in watching her try to frantically save her career, but that novelty will wear off in due time. The full frontal nudity in In The Cut was strangely unsettling, mainly due to the amount of hair involved. The scene should have been “trimmed” in more ways than one. As far as Against the Ropes, the title alone says it all; too bad it wasn’t “Against Her Better Judgment.”
Anti-Freeze: Get a sitcom – it worked for other aging screen cuties like Candace Bergen and Cybill Shepard.
26. JAMES BOND
How long have we been hearing the rumors regarding the next Bond? Every actor between the ages of 19 and 45 has been rumored to take on the role for Pierce Brosnan, and the fact that none of them have shown any enthusiasm whatsoever (Colin Farrell’s recent dismissal of his casting rumors being the latest example) only gives certainty to what most of us have suspected all along: that this is a series nobody wants to be a part of. Bond once held some cachet in cinema circles, but now that Fleming’s works have been used up and military/espionage thrillers are a dime a dozen, it’s time to put 007 to rest.
Anti-Freeze: If Bond is something you’re into, MGM should get the rights to Greg Rucka’s excellent “Queen and Country” comic book.
27. ROBERT DENIRO
From screen legend to cinematic schlep, the Robert DeNiro we knew and loved is gone. He has been replaced by a dotty old fart who can’t keep from embarrassing himself in one turd after another. “Meet the Fockers”, Bobby? Puh-leaze! Here’s his 2004 résumé: Godsend, Shark Tale, and the upcoming “Meet the Fockers.” This is the same guy who played Jake La Motta, Vito Corleone, and Travis Bickle? Enough is enough.
Anti-Freeze: Fire whoever reads your scripts.
28. DAME JUDI DENCH
One of the world’s most dignified actresses found herself in 2004 with a new leading man: Vin Diesel in The Chronicles of Riddick. Yes, Dame Judi Dench and Vin Diesel in the same film. The very thought gives new meaning to the question “What’s wrong with this picture?”
Anti-Freeze: Brush up your Shakespeare, Dame Judi – start performing him now!
29. THE OLSEN TWINS
Now that perverts across the country have finally stopped hyperventilating about you both turning 18, maybe we’ll all be allowed to forget the wretched train wreck that was New York Minute. We know, we know, you’re too old now to make those straight-to-video films for the “tween” crowd. Deal with it. Hanson and that lady from “Romper Room” all managed to move on, now you can, too.
Anti-Freeze: Eat a pork chop, get your degrees, and pool your money with George Lucas and buy the world.
30. DENNIS QUAID
The affable leading man may have missed an Oscar nomination for Far From Heaven because his acting was so subtle. Rather than be accused of being subtle, Quaid has recently gone to the other extreme: eye-rolling, jaw-clenching, bellowing acting which suggests the spirit of Rod Steiger has claimed possession of his soul. In The Alamo and The Day After Tomorrow, Quaid had more sound and fury than the celebrated 1836 battle and the apocalyptic Ice Age combined. If Warner Bros. is planning a live action film about the adventures of Yosemite Sam, Quaid is a lock on the role.
Anti-Freeze: A dentist who can yank the scenery from Quaid’s teeth after he finishes chomping it.
Get the rest of the list in the next part of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2004>>>