By Don R. Lewis | February 6, 2006

Dear Steve,

We here at team Film Threat had a lengthy discussion about you. We’ve decided that your recent flood of horrible movies have just about outweighed all your good movies and appearances from the past. Of course the straw that broke King-Tuts back is the soon to be released remake of “The Pink Panther.” We’ll spare you the “dude, what were you thinking” speel (although dude, seriously”¦what were you thinking?) runaround and get right to our point. We demand you start making better movies or else we’re taking our complaints to the studio heads and demanding action. What action, you say?

We’re going to ask that studios start remaking all of your best movies with comedy stars of today. First off, we’ll remake “”The Jerk” starring Johnny Knoxville. Maybe then you’ll know what it feels like to take a truly great comedy film and ruin it all for the sake of a few bucks. Next, we’re pitching back to back remakes of “”Pennies From Heaven” and “”Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid” starring Wayne Brady. He’s been a lil lean on the hits lately and he can sing and dance and he’s oh-so-funny. Not nearly as funny as you in a black moustache speaking Sellers-esque French, but funny nonetheless.

Since you seem to be so big on sequels like the ear blood inducing “”Cheaper By the Dozen 2″ and “”Father of the Bride 2,” we’ve decided to make a sequel to the “”Three Amigos!” This will be called “”Los Cheaper Amigos” and will star Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler and Bob Saget. Hey, those guys can make money at the box office and as you well know, that’s what it’s all about. We’re also toying with the idea of a “”Trains, Planes and Automobiles” sequel called “”Choppers, Rickshaws and Scions” starring Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz. Maybe you could loan us some of that fat cash you made off “”Sgt. Bilko” to get this ball rolling? Other ideas include a remake of “”Roxanne” starring Jon Heder and the eloquent David Spade, “”Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 2″ starring Owen Wilson and Colin Quinn and “”L.A. Story” with the irrepressible Pauly Shore.

We do this all because we love you and can’t stand to see what you’re becoming. Hey, we understand you have other passions such as writing books and plays, collecting art and picking the banjo and these box office babies fill the bank account for those endeavors. But come on Steve, you were once the best and now you’re sullying that past with crap after trite crap after stupid crap. At least Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd saw the writing on the wall and bowed out somewhat gracefully. Please stop or we’ll be forced to take matters into our own hands. How does a “”Grand Canyon” remake with Martin Lawrence, Corey Feldman, Kevin Costner and Vin Diesel sound? We could go on…

So think about it, Steve. What are you leaving us old-school fans with? What about the new generation? They’re going to end up hating you as much as we’re starting to and then they won’t even go rent your old stuff. We wish you the best of luck and for the love of God, fire your agent!

Film Threat

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  1. Ex-Certex says:

    Reminds me of this faux interviewer on British telly called Dennis Pennis (not his real name. Obviously) who would walk up to celebrities and ask them inane or mean questions (once asked Demi Moore that, if the price and script were right, if she’d consider keeping her clothes ON in a movie). He once went up to wee Stevie and asked him point blank, “Didn’t you used to be funny?” He said Steve looked really hurt. As well he might. He is such a hack these daze. And as for that Clouseau rubbish…don’t even get me started.

    How the mighty have fallen.


  2. Mark Bell says:

    Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd didn’t bow out all THAT gracefully. Cameo in Dirty Work and Blues Brothers 2000 as examples, respectively.

    But yeah, Steve, you’re a comedic genius. Come back to us…

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