The VelociPastor Image

The VelociPastor

By Bobby LePire | August 21, 2019

You will instantly know if this movie is for you based upon your reaction to the title—The VelociPastor. Did you laugh happily at the absurdity of that name? Or did your eyes roll to the back of your head so hard that they made a noise? If the former describes you, congratulations, The VelociPastor is precisely as fun as its title suggests.

Father Doug Jones (this is the character’s name; I am not referencing the talented actor) is questioning his faith in God after his parents die. Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) convinces the grieving Doug (Greg Cohan) to take a sabbatical and rediscover his belief in a higher power. Doug travels to China, where he stumbles upon a gravely injured woman. This lady gives Doug a strange-looking talon on which he accidentally injures his hand.

“When he gets too angry, he transforms into a bloodthirsty dinosaur…”

Returning home, strange things begin to happen to Doug. When he gets too angry, he transforms into a bloodthirsty dinosaur, a VelociPastor if you will. Doug wakes up each morning after his dino escapades only to not recall what has happened. One night after saving the hooker with a heart of gold Carol (Alyssa Kempinksi), she convinces him to use his powers to fight evil and corruption. The pre-med law student and Doug run afoul of both Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pacheco De Castro) a hard-talking pimp and a group of ninjas who have vowed to kill every lizard warrior in existence.

The VelociPastor is written and directed by Brendan Steere and is pure ridiculousness on every level. It is a hodgepodge of b-movie tropes all stacked on each other, like cheese pancakes. Happily, the cast all know the exact sort of film Velocipastor is trying to be and act accordingly. There are a good number of dramatic looks into the distance, or obvious action posing. These are done on purpose and are absolutely hysterical. Aurelio Voltaire, as the exorcist Altair, confused Doug’s talk of a monster as being more metaphorical than literal. This sequence is so funny that I know I missed a few lines from all the laughing.

Steere also edited the movie, and he makes one fast-moving, insane motion picture. The quick glimpses of the dinosaur during the fights builds intrigue. All while the rubber claws add to the hilarity. The shockingly large amount of action beats ensure that the film is never dull. Not that it could be, as the audience will be too busy laughing at its everything to even realize it might have slowed down at some point.

“…is so funny that I know I missed a few lines from all the laughing.”

At times the dialogue is obtuse to the point where the characters talk in circles. And it is hysterical. When Doug wakes up at Carol’s place, after saving her, he’s afraid he blacked out and had sex with her. The intentional double entendres during this scene make it one of the most memorable of the movie.

Look, The VelociPastor tells you everything you need to know about itself with that title. Brendan Steere, his delightful cast, and committed crew have crafted a bonkers film that never stops entertaining. However, the movie is not for everyone. Only a specific kind of audience- those that embraced Sharknado and can quote MST3K from memory- will genuinely understand its goofy intentions and absurd style.

The VelociPastor (2019)

Directed and Written by Brendan Steere

Starring Greg Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Aurelio Voltaire, Daniel Steere, Fernando Pacheco De Castro, etc.

Movie score: 8/10

The VelociPastor Image

"…a hodgepodge of b-movie tropes all stacked on each other…"

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  1. Patrick says:

    The cheetah and I can’t WAIT to sink our claws into this one….Wild Eye Releasing has a bonafide cult classic here and damn,we need more of these type of movies.

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