WHY SNAKES DON’T HAVE BALLS…

Well, Tarantino and Rodriguez wanted to bring us the Grindhouse experience and they did.

I sat in a smelly theater, watching a double feature with crappy film quality, and no one except me, my mom, my sister, and about three other folks were in attendance.

Those who watched didn’t get the joke.

I can’t blame them. But has anyone ever heard of this internet thing?

It’s amazing, actually. Hear me out: If I don’t know what Polycarbonated Hypodrynoxodil is, I’ll go on the internet and find out for myself.

If I’m not sure who Don Ho is, I’ll go online and find out.

If I’m not sure what Grindhouse is, I’ll go online and find out.

And I did.

Yes, I’ve been watching a lot of Grindhouse flicks lately. Part of it is thanks to the “Grindhouse” duo who referenced a lot of films and garnered my interest, but really it’s just to re-visit the genre that inspired the film. I do this all the time. With “Star Wars,” with “Superman Returns,” and with “Land of the Dead.”

Since the release of “Grindhouse” I’ve been inspired to discover the genre more for myself, and I’m glad I did. I’ve seen “Thriller,” I’ve seen the “Ilsa” movies, I’ve seen “Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry,” I loved “Switchblade Sisters,” not to mention “Coffy” and “Foxy Brown.” Suffice it to say, I’ve had a goddamn good time visiting a genre I was never too familiar with, and I have about five more movies I’m planning on watching.

Call me a fleeting fan if you want, but to me it’s more like two movie fans made a great movie, and thanks to them I was able to explore the genre because they filled us in on some good titles. Two movie freaks whispered in our ears and those who weren’t aware of the surprises the genre held explored for themselves.

They haven’t all been winners, but damn it’s been a wonderful time, and Dyanne Thorne is my master.

“Grindhouse” was everything I wanted.

And I may be in the minority here, but I loved “Death Proof” much more than I did “Planet Terror.” Both films were wonderful, but man, that climax to “Death Proof,” how can you beat it? You can’t. The dialogue was engrossing, that car chase was amazing, Zoe Bell is one fine specimen, and I want to have a threesome with Vanessa Ferlito and Sidney Tamiia Poitier.

I’m heartbroken the general audience didn’t embrace “Grindhouse” like I wished, but hey they embraced a has been rapper fighting a raccoon, so… I can’t find a silver lining to that sentence.

Either way, you can’t expect folks who enjoy their fixes of whacky comedies to embrace “Grindhouse,” it’s just not going to happen. People don’t want to work during a movie, they just want to see the goddamn thing and have it do the work for them.

The popular opinion is that it failed because of the running time, but then what of the success of the “Lord of the Rings” movies, and “Star Wars” prequels?

No, people just didn’t get the joke. Many don’t know what exploitation is, many don’t know what “Grindhouse” is, and many don’t know that there are two movies for the price of one. S**t, people still think Tarantino directed “Hostel.”

I sat in the theaters knowing what was happening and as Ray and Cherry Baby began to make love, the film melted, and the “Missing Reel” scene popped up. I laughed hysterically, my mom chuckled, and the few people that were there gave a glance to their neighbors confused. My sister summed it up perfectly, leaning over to me utterly confused, asking “What’s the joke?”

Suffice it say my laughing halted in an instant and I had to lean over and explain it to her.

I don’t know. We’re just not in that stage yet. Movies aren’t made for movie fans anymore. I’m thinking they never were. There goes that optimism again. They’re just products for the masses. No one is going to remember “Are we Done Yet?” or “Meet the Robinsons” in fifteen years, and no one cares. No one gives a f**k.

I’m not expecting folks to be film buffs, I’m just in a state of sadness. I wanted this to be a smash, and it wasn’t. I’ll live with that. I’m bummed, but I’ll live with that.

I was born in the wrong era, I’ve come to grips with that, too. I wish I could have seen the grindhouses of old. People say it wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops but I don’t give a s**t, I want at least a glance, and I’m glad “Grindhouse” gave that to me for an instant.

My sister and I are still quoting the “Don’t!” trailer. If you’re thinking of leaving this blog: DON’T! DON’T! DON’T!

The plan is to release the movies on DVD separately. Good. You missed out, now live with them on DVD. The plan is to re-release the movies in theaters separately. Good. You missed out on a killer experience, so live with it. Stop bitching and go to see it now. You have to pay me to go to the movies these days, but I made the effort.

People just didn’t get the joke. But I was amused from minute one. Tracie Thoms and Zoe Bell are incredible in “Death Proof,” Bruce Willis was great in “Planet Terror,” Rose McGowan is the usual wet dream as Cherry Baby, Freddy Rodriguez (He made THIS boricua boy proud) reigned supreme as El Wray, Kurt Russell was tops as Stuntman Mike, “Don’t!” was my favorite trailer of the entire series, and hell, even a*s licker extraordinaire Eli Roth did a bang up job with “Thanksgiving.”

Good on ya, man. You did better with a three minute trailer than you did with two feature length flicks. Congrats, and you should be embarrassed.

Oh no, “Grindhouse” was a success with the movie buffs, and those who wanted to see it came out to check it on the first weekend. Too bad there weren’t enough of us, eh? “Grindhouse” will be gone in a few weeks replaced with a whacky comedy, or formulaic drama, and that’s fine. I can live with that. It’s just the world I’m in.

But man, what I wouldn’t give for a time machine.

Either way, I got my money’s worth: Seven dollars for three hours of balls to the wall amusement? Thanks Quentin, Gracias Roberto. You did well by me.

I’ve seen “Hot Fuzz,” “”300,” “”TMNT,” and “Grindhouse” and now I await “28 Weeks Later”¦” I’m cool as a cucumber. Thanks guys.