THE CRITIC DOCTOR EXAMINES: Susan Wloszczna (USA Today), Roger Ebert (“Roger Ebert & the Movies”), Holly McClure (crosswalk.com), Kent Osborne & Andy Jones (“The New Movie Show with Chris Gore”), Thomas Carder (capalert.com), Chris Gore (filmthreat.com), Kirk Honeycutt (hollywoodreporter.com) and Susan Granger (susangranger.com).
“NO STARS” – out of 4 stars (R)
I’ve seen a lot of scary movies in my lifetime, but “Scary Movie” is by far the scariest one I’ve ever seen. This movie is scary! What makes “Scary Movie” so scary?
The movie sets out to be a parody of popular horror and slasher flicks such as “Scream,” “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” “The Sixth Sense,” “Blair Witch Project,” and a host of others. It brings forth a smorgasbord of spoofs that will make you either fall down laughing or throw up.
Susan Wloszczyna (USA Today) said, “As for the humor, no gay gag is too insulting, no racial reference too inciting. Pubic hair, full-frontal nudity, urination, semen, special-ed students, marijuana, Prince, Riverdance – are we laughing yet?”
Well, Roger Ebert laughed. On his July 8th TV show “Roger Ebert and the Movies” (Buena Vista TV), Ebert said, “I liked it, I laughed. Movies like this are critic proof, basically, because all you’re talking about is a string of jokes.” Critic proof, Roger? Then explain why numerous movie critics brought forth proof this movie just plain sucked!
Holly McClure (crosswalk.com) said, “Aside from the silly plot, foul language, and crass humor there are numerous other offensive and extremely crude scenes that take all of the comedy out of it and just makes it an extremely crass movie.” This could have been a really funny movie, but it was overpowered by vulgarity.
On the July 11th edition of “The New Movie Show with Chris Gore” (FX Channel), guest panelist Kent Osborne (TBS Movie Lounge) said, “Most of it was gross. If you don’t have situational in parodies, it doesn’t work. You can’t be gross for the sake of being gross.”
Gore’s other guest critic, Andy Jones (E! Online), said, “This movie is really funny, sick and twisted – and it’s made for 14 year-old boys. Those are the only people who should see it.”
What? Do you realize what you are saying, Andy? You’ve just lowered the age limit on the MPAA’s “R” rating and turned Roger Ebert into a 14 year-old kid! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, man! That’s insane.
Speaking of God, Thomas Carder (capalert.com) writes a Christian movie review to inform parents and said, “The underage to adult ratio in the audience was about 20:1. And some of that “20” were not teens yet, but will be in about five or six years – imagine the influence of this ‘movie’ on their values?”
Now I would have thought Carder was crazy, but I saw little kids myself. I was shocked! This movie was for adults – period. Irresponsible parents who bring little kids to movies this grotesque feed the fires of censorship. This carelessness invites government intervention. Beware.
Chris Gore said in his review (filmthreat.com), “The movie is as lowbrow as it gets.” Indeed. One sex scene shows a girl literally blown to the ceiling by the ejaculation of semen from her boyfriend’s penis. There’s another scene in a public restroom where a penis pokes through a hole in a stall door and rams through a man’s head – from one ear to the other.
Susan Wloszczyna adds, “Maybe I’m just too old to appreciate the startling sight of a phallus jammed into someone’s ear.” Face it, Susan. You’re just not a 14 year-old anymore.
Kirk Honeycutt (HollywoodReporter.com) summed the movie up best: “This is a scary movie. It’s scary that it took six people to write a movie this bad. It’s scary that Dimension Films put one dime into producing it. And it’s very scary that so many people would risk their reputations by appearing or participating in such a film.”
Susan Granger (susangranger.com) adds, “”What’s really scary is the amount of money it will probably earn while far more worthy films pass, unnoticed, onto the video shelf.”
When “Scary Movie” does come out on video, it should be placed in that little closed-off room in the back of video stores where a sign on the door reads, “NO ONE UNDER 18 ALLOWED!” And that’s 18, Andy, not 14.
“Scary Movie” may not be critic proof, but its rating potential revealed it was “star” proof.
— Critic Doctor

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