Here it is! We’ve finally found it — a Turkish film that can proudly stand alongside “Turkish Star Wars” as one of the most ridiculous films ever made. You’ll be quick to call up a bunch of friends to join you in awe if you’re ever fortunate enough to have “Three Mighty Men” to stink up your VCR.
For some unknown reason, Spider-Man has taken up residency in Turkey and he’s gone bad…real bad. The film starts out with Spider-Man ordering a bunch of thugs to bury a woman up to her neck in sand so that they can run the propeller of a boat motor into her face. See? He’s gone really, really bad. Not even Venom did stuff that f****d-up. This Turkish Spider-Man, along with being a complete A-hole, seems to have lost all of his spider powers, making him just some idiot running around in Spider-Man peejays. Turkish Spider-Man doesn’t shoot webbing, nor does he crawl up walls. Instead, Turkish Spider-Man stabs people, wrecks shop, strangles some chick while she’s in the shower, spears a couple of lovers during another shower scene and has obnoxious, bushy eyebrows poking out of his Spider-Man mask. He looks like a friggin’ Fraggle! It’s safe to say that this guy has no class.
So, what’s Turkey to do about this menace? Call Stan Lee and have everyone involved with this project shot? Nope. Even better — Captain America and Santo are called in to take control of the situation. Apparently, this team-up made sense to somebody, so here it is. It’s basically “Turkish Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man.” Try and tell me you wouldn’t rent that if you saw it clogging the shelves of your local videostore. Santo is portrayed rather faithfully, but Captain America looks like he needs a sammich. He’s also sans his trademark shield. Guess it was too difficult for the filmmakers to make happen. Another thing the filmmakers screw up on is, during the final battle scene, Captain America and Santo are in their plain civilian clothes. What the hell’s all that about? I feel gypped. Spider-Man gets beheaded though, so that’s pretty cool.
How nice it must be to be a Turkish filmmaker. If your movie sucks, then you can just go ahead and throw in some pop culture icons from different countries without being hassled. Then at least there will be a reason for people to want to see your piece of garbage. I tell you, if I was a Turkish filmmaker, I think I would team up Conan the Barbarian, Dolemite and Captain Ron in some piece of s**t post-apocalyptic adventure. It’s a goldmine, I’m telling you!
Interestingly enough, this is the last reported film that T. Fikret Ucak made. Maybe the Thing got bummed that he wasn’t wrangled into the whole mess and clobbered his a*s.