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By Brad Laidman | January 21, 2001

“I bought this implant so that I could pee standing up. It’s so practical.”
Why, oh, why must they mess with the classics? When they made “Weird Science” did anybody ever really think that they hadn’t completely exhausted the subject? Must we tempt the fates? Although, as I think about it Alexis Arquette is a far creepier m**********r than anything John Hughes could come up with on his deathbed pumped up on methadone. He looks a lot like he did in “The Wedding Singer,” which means apparently that he looks normal only in the future or the 1980’s.
Eerily aping “Blade Runner” if it were a sex comedy, “The Woman Every Man Wants” envisions the world in the year 2025. Women have somehow taken over the world and apparently as a group started acting like men before the Clarence Thomas hearings, which was apparently caused by a drug that makes them orgasm in like 32 seconds of decadent moaning that takes place moments before they walk out the door. New age sensitive holdout Guy (Ryan Hurst – Crunch Grabowski from “Saved by the Bell: The New Class”!) isn’t too happy about it. The future here looks a bit like cut-rate Battlestar Galactica funneled through that famous 1984 Apple Commercial, but for some reason they still have stereotypical Jewish fathers played by guys who have taped every one of Richard Lewis’ late night television appearances and thought he was laugh out loud funny in “Robin Hood Men in Tights”. Everywhere, people talk like they did in porno movies before that genius idea about no longer having plots and just commencing with the loving. Wow, all this in 24 years?
Guy is an “old fashioned crazy guy who just wants to feel”. Fed up with new style women, he orders a synthetic one programmed to fulfill his every need — sort of like Eddie Murphy’s “Coming To America” Zamundan bride but with circuits. Apparently never satisfied, he mopes about because his love toy though fun doesn’t have the capacity to love him like they used to in the movies.
Not really the all out examination of love or of androids that it wants to be, “The Woman Every Men Wants” is helped along by a reasonably interesting mind-f**k ending, it’s view of modern telephone conversation as something straight out of a 1980’s music video and a pretty funny “When Harry Met Sally” riff prologue. Nevertheless, the movie’s view of the future seems too remote and artificial to make any comment on life today. The moral of the story is apparently that chicks dig vibrators. Who knew?

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