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By Michael Ferraro | October 31, 2005

Holy crap, how this movie slipped through anyone’s fingers is beyond me. Usually you hear about horror movies that are this odd, violent, hilarious, and downright terrible, but somehow this movie never made it to early morning Cinemax along side “Dead Alive” or “The Toxic Avenger.” How can this be? It has everything a bad horror movie should, too. Things like naked nurses, blood, razors, aborted fetuses, coat-hanger abortions, exploding heads, insanely stupid white characters (“Hey, let’s get an abortion at that dilapidated brothel house!”), and terrifyingly awful acting. Nothing is left behind in this movie. Horror fans need take note of this title. Store the cover art in your memory bank. Find it, rent it, buy a case of beer (or a bottle of Jack Daniels), and invite your friends over. “The Suckling” is one of the best movies to get drunk watching ever made.

“The Suckling” begins with an introduction to a young couple in love. The girl accidentally gets pregnant, so the guy takes her to this brothel, where illegal abortions are performed for a nominal fee. The girl wants no part of an abortion but the host of the brothel, Big Mamma, drugs her to sleep and performs the operation anyway, with the finest and sharpest coat hanger she can find. The fetus is then flushed down the toilet, which unfortunately for the guests of this brothel, becomes the biggest mistake of all.

It is shown floating down pipe after sewer pipe, until it finally comes to a halt. The fetus stops right under a sewage drain (leaking toxic waste from above of course). The waste pours over the dead fetus, springing new life and a fresh mutated form to our little friend. The fetus then becomes a six-foot monster and heads back through the sewer to cause havoc upon the guests.

Had this fetus not been aborted, it may have been the next Einstein. It was in the womb for about 2 months yet when he is aborted then re-animated; it already has the knowledge and street smarts to block exits (preventing anyone from leaving) and cut phone lines so no one can call for help. Some nine year-olds aren’t that smart.

While everything that was described about this film may sound ridiculous, one can’t help but wonder if this is a satire on anti-abortion propaganda. Or better yet, is it a real piece of pro-life propaganda? If so, that makes it even funnier! Maybe this is pushing it a little bit but perhaps conservative families may want to show their sexually active teens this picture. It’s like “Reefer Madness” for the sexually active teenage set.

The only special feature this DVD has is a single trailer. Sure, it is probably one of the most humorous movie advertisements ever made, but that doesn’t make up for all the special features that this film lacks. It would have been fantastic to hear a commentary from writer/director Francis Teri. He hasn’t done anything since then, so it’s not like he’s busy. To tell you the truth, I’d love to do a commentary track for this movie. Maybe someday they will give “The Suckling” the “Special Edition” treatment. Hopefully, they will keep me in mind as a commentary go-to guy.

It’s a shame Francis Teri never ventured further into filmmaking. Even with all the things wrong with this film, he knew how to handle creature effects pretty well and even tossed in some not-so-terrible stop-motion animation. And who doesn’t like blood, when it isn’t computer animated?

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