"THE LOCAVORE FILMMAKER" – 2012 SLAMDANCE FILM FESTIVAL OPENING POEM

Every year, the Slamdance Film Festival opens with the performance of a poem written by co-founder Dan Mirvish. For those of you stuck at home, unable to watch and enjoy the ever-energetic Dan deliver the poem in person, here’s the 2012 Slamdance Opening Poem for your reading pleasure…

The Locavore Filmmaker
by Dan Mirvish

To just make a film, there was once a time,
You just needed a camera, and maybe a dime,
You’d eat foie gras flying LA to New York
Had no qualms about using a disposable spork

Looking for a studio, you’d try North Carolina
But co-production looked sweet if you’d just visit China.
Tax credits would be fine, it’d be swell to purloin
them in Detroit, New Orleans, or Des Moines!

You’d rack up frequent miles just for location scouting
Then use a Range Rover for out-and-abouting
Movies are focussed on actors performing
You’ve got no time to worry about global warming

But seeing Al Gore regret his happy ending
Reminded you that the earth still needed mending
So without sacrificing your goal to shoot wide screen
You tell your whole crew that it’s now time to go green!

More than just cans and scripts you’ll recycle,
You’ll invest in a hipster fixed-gear bi-cycle
You realize you live down the block from Drew Barrymore
You cast her because now… you’re a filmmaking locavore!

No matter her part’s for a one-legged old man
You’re on a mission more important than Cannes!
You’ll shoot in your house, hire your neighbors as gaffers
Your twin six-year olds become production staffers

You’ll grow your craft service right there in your garden
Environmentally speaking, you’ve got quite the hard on.
For seasoning you’ll pull out some weeds that are crocus
While the postman holds boom, and your wife pulls some focus

If you can walk and if you can bike it
Your vendors must be close, so you say that you’ll hike it.
One guy down the block has a Steadicam rig
Another has C-stands, that he stole from a gig.

You find an editor who does some great montage
Better yet still, he lives in your garage
Finally time to do your sound mixin’
There’s no better place than right there in your kitchen!

Now your movie’s finished and you’ve done all your edits
You realize you’ve exhausted all your carbon credits
You’re invited to Slamdance but deduce it’s too far
Even a Prius wouldn’t make it; it’s barely a car.

So you come up with a plan, perhaps too primeval
Screw it you say, you’ll hold your own fest-ival
Right there in your living room, project on the wall
You’ll sell tickets on the porch, and popcorn in the hall

Though your DP had failed when he tried to penetrate her
You still convince Drew to ride the bicycle generator
The neighbors all come, including one studio biggie
He greenlit The Muppets, and he cast Miss Piggy

The screening’s a success and you throw some confetti!
A standing ovation, though Barrymore’s sweaty.
An agent who’d stopped by while taking a jog
Then asks if you’d shoot the sequel in Prague

After what you’ve been through, it’s not at all ridiculous
He’ll fly you right there, on his brand new G6-ulous
The load on your shoulder that you just can not carry more
Is lightened by knowing you were the world’s first filmmaking locavore.

(Largely credited as the founder of the Locavore Filmmaking movement [mainly because he’s lazy, lives two blocks from Sony, and would like them to hire him one day], Dan Mirvish is a co-founder of Slamdance, and is currently finishing post-production on his new feature film, “Between Us,” starring Julia Stiles, Taye Diggs, Melissa George and David Harbour.)