By Fred Beldin | May 5, 2005

Professor Lavish is an anthropologist searching the moors of Scotland for the ancient burial site of a mythical prehistoric sex goddess with magical powers (played by Polish cheesecake star Anoushka). His assistant’s morning erection grows to unusual size and begins throbbing uncontrollably in the direction of the tomb, leading the professor to exhume the frozen corpse of the Sapphic beauty. Unfortunately, the priceless find is stolen by a mad scientist with plans to clone an army of highly-sexed prostitutes, so American secret agent Johnson (Misty Mundae) is called on the case. Meanwhile, the goddess is thawed out with a hair drier and proceeds to hypnotically seduce any women who come in contact with her. She begins building her own army, a brigade of lesbian servants who will bring the world to the brink of sexual Armageddon if Agent Johnson and Professor Lavish don’t find her in time.

“The Girl Who Shagged Me” is a witless but good-natured skinflick, as innocent as a Kennedy-era nudie-cutie with the same adolescent locker-room humor and sub-vaudeville sensibilities. The sex is abundant between the corny jokes and pop-culture allusions, but its use as pornography may be limited. After all, anyone with internet access can find grotesque, Roman Empiresque perversities at the click of a mouse, explicit documentation of every possible sexual act, so why would anyone bother with this kind of silly softcore canoodling? The answer is Misty Mundae, that balmy beauty and star of more lowbrow horror and sex pictures than are worth counting. Even during the most unconvincing simulated clinch, Misty manages to be watchable, and she provides the kind of starpower that sleaze factories like Seduction Cinema rely on to sell their tossed-off wares to DVD-hoarding porn nerds.

Unfortunately, the Misty fan quickly susses out that “The Girl Who Shagged Me” spends a lot more time with the supporting cast, a crew of pneumatically impressive birds without a tenth of our heroine’s charisma and charm. Misty is relegated to second-class status despite her prominent billing, and that’s the fatal flaw of this unnecessary feature, which demands a lot of patience for unfunny gags and barely-rehearsed action without paying off between the legs. Ms. Mundae glows during her pair of lust scenes and contributes a pointless cameo as a mock-Hannibal Lector character, but she seems otherwise uninterested, even in the inevitable round of interviews and behind-the-scenes featurettes included as DVD extras. Hey Seduction Cinema, how about a square-up reel?

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