THE FOUND FOOTAGE FESTIVAL, VOLUME 3 (DVD) Image

Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher, founders of all things found have put together an all-new show compiled with nothing but unseen clips from videos discovered in yard sales, thrift stores, video stores and now have people like David Cross giving them tapes. Just like in volumes one and two the DVD contains the full live show from their tour around the U.S. as well as the option to view the found video clips on their own. Also on the DVD are a few extras including an amazing montage titled, BABES with clips with hot chicks doing everything nude from golfing to the Macarena. But if you’re lucky enough to have the festival come to your town I can’t recommend it enough (especially taking a date). Joe and Nick have really been getting good over the years as hosts and are becoming the voices of this genre and their self-made videos mocking the clips are the best ones yet.

Okay, so here’s the list. And as I said before the guys have put together the best collection yet with nothing that is on the other DVD’s:

PATRIOTOC MEDLEY:
Countless examples of why the Taliban hate us is this collection of American pride and all things praising the good ol’ U.S.A. including ‘America, We Stand As One’ featuring a guy that looks like Steve Perry singing on a beach with CG angels against an ocean that is colored red, white and blue. Creepy Colonial babies singing Old McDonald with adult mouths and the Hulkster playing a guitar and tearing up pictures of Colonel Kadafi.

PRETTY BOY FLOYD:
Everyone has an uncle like this guy. Someone who takes you to the side at your brother’s bar mitzvah and shows you his wiener. Pretty Boy himself tells you the secrets of pool hustling, but as the clips show he mostly likes to spout off about topics like eating sandwiches, breaking peoples thumbs and getting ticked at some guy named, Ed as he turns you, the viewer, into a real, “Floydster”.

KIDZ STUFF:
If you and your mate are thinking about having kids soon and you’re trying to get out of it I recommend watching these clips together – public access shows like Joy Junction, a kind of low budget Christian Romper Room; a video called, It’s Time To Poop where parents sing to their kids the praises of taking a s**t like, “She’s A Super Duper Pooper”; a hilarious cartoon called, Where Did I Come From? that features a mom and dad screwing, directions to where your b******e is and a goofy duck who checks men and women’s genitalia; and a video about swearing that looks like the Diff’rent Strokes episode where Arnold and Dudley get molested.

WASHLET:
A video instructing you how to use your new Washlet, a Japanese butt cleaning toilet. This was followed up in the live show with the guys actually finding a real Washlet and using it.

EXERCISE VIDEO MONTAGE 4:
More odd unnecessary workout videos including Sit Fit, Universal Yogi’s Laughing & Chair Yoga with Guru Yogi Ramesh who looks like the Indian version of Bob from Twin Peaks teaching you the joys of creepy laughing. Barbie Fitness, Angela Lansbury’s Positive Moves where we see the all of the Murder She Wrote’s nooks and crannies as she spreads aloe on her thighs under her towel. It’ll leave you flaccid till the holidays. And if that doesn’t do it Estelle Getty also has a workout video. And my absolute favorite Bellydance Fitness Fusion where girls workout flexing nothing but their a*s cheek muscles.

TRAINING VIDEO MONTAGE:
More fast food training videos including the sequel to Wendy’s Grill Skills, a Chick Fil-A cleaning video showing trash with human faces yelling obscenities at the customers and Arby’s Sub Shop Rap where various non-whites and old people rap bout Arby’s.

STOP AND THINK:
My favorite part of every show! Federated Mutual Safety videos where it’s nothing but quick clips of people getting injured on the job, from getting electrocuted to my favorite – getting your hand caught in a turbine. It makes you laugh from deep down in your stomach and you may need a nap afterwards. The kicker is that Joe and Nick now have an inside source at Federated Mutual and promise to deliver every new video as they are released.

SOMETHING’S HAPPENING:
Joe and Nick received an unmarked mystery video tape of this public access show where two creepy guys discuss the toxic bile that comes from grape juice excreted from the mouth. Think of Lawrence Tierney vomiting into a colander and lighting it on fire to prove its toxicity.

RELIGIOUS MEDLEY:
So, this is where things get epic and hurt my head. CLOWNS and OLD PEOPLE for JESUS called, Clown Ministry where a group of scary clowns assault the elderly in a rest home. The final message is, “Clowns offer God’s love”. Next, a creepy puppet girl singing about Jesus. A fat woman in rollers sings about God around her house. Ventriloquist dummies singing about the lord and making funny Jew jokes. And finally, Christian Karaoke!

THE BEST OF HARRASMENT:
Surprisingly these festivals have never included sexual harassment videos but the boys bring it with clips from 17 different harassment videos. A stellar montage of nothing but people saying inappropriate things around the office including: “What do you think of my banana?” “The way I hear it you were pretty good at that bending-over part” and “I heard he’s got AIDS”.

HUNKS:
Time to cuddle up to some mustached hunks as they sweat, squat, sing like James Brown and massage their thighs. These include Playgirls’ Man of the Year, Steve Rally in Hunkercise. Next, two fruity twin bears, The Fabulous Ones who do all things from drinking champagne to bailing hay to The Gap Band’s, You Dropped the Bomb on Me. They used to play the video before meeting their wrestling opponents in the ring – the thinking being that after watching twin burly dudes gaying-out on eachother it would intimidate challengers. This is followed by random guys in Speedos jumping around their apartments and of course, Fabio! It’ll make you question your sexuality for sure whether you’re a guy or girl.

WHO NEEDS A MOVIE?:
Fred and Sharon are an elderly couple who offer services from designing your website to shooting your wedding. Think human Mike Judge drawings come to life. These two are shot against greenscreen as cheap graphics and horrible wedding images play out behind them. The entire time they look like they are about to kill themselves. This one is almost so bad you’d assume it’s fake but oh no, it’s real!

HOW TO:
From the grotesque to the odd these training videos range from cat massage to picking up men. Starting with ErecAid, a penis pump instructional video that warns of getting your ‘scrotal tissue’ sucked into the suction tube (with visuals, ack!); a video on pole dancing and another about training your cat to poop in the toilet. And finally an instructional video on being an Elvis impersonator with a room full of Elvi.

SELF DEFENSE:
The name says it all – bad reenactments of various ways to kick people in the balls in the name of self defense by such celebrities as Lorenzo Lamas and bully Bas Rutten; self defense for kids and a knife instructional by a geek with a mullet and beard who trains you with his buddy in a garage covered in green plastic. Think Henry Lee Lucas and Otis’ serial killer tapes if they had more bloopers.

THIS WEEK IN PUBLIC ACCESS 2:
Randomness from the world of public access starts with a guy who looks like Jackie the Jokeman doing acrobatics in his apartment called, Mikenastics as Mike explains the title, “Since my name’s not Jim it’s Mike”; Cheering Makes School Fun hosted by an old pervert named, Jim Hawkins who interviews girls at cheerleading competitions; hypnotists with the elderly; a guy in drag named Timothy who looks like Rick James in his basement singing.

CHRISTMAS:
So much Christmas cheer just in time for the holidays including cats playing guitars; Miss Velma dressed as a Xmas Indian shooting a revolver on a church stage; The He-Man She-ra Christmas Special featuring a flaming gay Skeletor pissing and whining about Santa Clause; And Jingle Babies (more musical babies) which can induce a heart attack if on any hallucinogenic drugs.

That’s about it. A must have for parties, impressing a new friend or just a bong companion. Get buying!

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