No, this is not a sequel to John Waters’ “A Dirty Shame.” The bear in this case is a polar bear, and the boy is the child of an Inuit (the PC term for Eskimo) who is kidnaped in infancy by the Arctic ursine from his human mother. And why would a polar bear kidnap a human child? It seems Mama Polar Bear gave birth to a stillborn cub, so Papa Polar Bear (on the advice of a gabby raven, sort of the Greenland equivalent of the stereotypical gay best friend) takes the human child for his spouse to raise as her own. Mama Inuit goes into a major funk when her baby is abducted while Papa Inuit grabs his spear and spends years searching for the bears who ran off with his kid.
Does any of this make sense? Even by the low expectation standards of kiddie fables, this tale is so ridiculous that it becomes perversely funny. It is never explained how a human child can survive the Arctic cold, or where the bears get the wardrobe to keep the kid clothed against the elements.
However, this Danish animated film has plenty of unfunny things which disqualify it from being recommended as a family film – especially the harsh sequences of the stillborn cub birth and the anguish suffered by the Inuit mother after her baby is stolen. For adults, there are plenty of other considerations to disqualify this from being seen, including the worst English dubbing this side of a Godzilla romp and the crudest animation to come along since the glory days of Hanna-Barbera.
“The Boy Who Wanted to be a Bear” may not be the worst animated film ever made, but it is so badly made and so patently stupid that it is impossible for anyone who loves animation (or bears) to endure. Will someone please page John Waters and his bears?