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By Eric Campos | January 5, 2002

Now that I had to sit through this gem, I’ve got a few rules for men of my own… at least for men behind movie cameras: ^ 1) Never start your movie off with an irritatingly awful song. That just sets the viewer’s mood for the rest of the film. ^ 2) The whole talking to the camera “Ferris Bueller” type thing isn’t cute anymore. In fact, it pretty much died as soon as it was born. But if you just really need to put this in your film, never EVER do it with an actor that has a lisp heavier than Harvey Fierstein. ^ 3) And this is a biggie. If you’re gonna have an R rated movie about a bunch of guys trying to get laid – for Christ’s sake get with the nudity! What the hell were these guys thinking when they made this film? Not a single boob, bun or bush was flashed throughout the entire mess. Yet, that’s what this movie is centered around – SEX. It just makes ya wanna cry.
“Rules For Men” has us follow around criminal attorney Michæl Vigilante as he relays to us the rules that will make you the coolest sex machine on the planet – just like him. Yay! We watch him smooth talk his way through court cases as well as into the beds of countless women. When he’s not working on bagging his next prey, he’s sitting around with his buddies, who are just as big of pigs as he is, trading tales of sexual conquest and beer farts. And that’s just about all that goes on in this feature. Oh yeah, as Michæl indulges in this life of debauchery, he’s also pining away for an ex-girlfriend, the only one that’s ever really meant something to him. So now, I suppose we’re supposed to feel for this guy. Ffffffaaaaaarrrrttt!
“Rules For Men” does pack a few decent laughs supplied by co-star Jackie Martling, as Michæl’s loud mouth law partner, and Jamal from the Jerky Boys. This is another big party foul by the filmmakers – they’ve tried so hard to make a funny movie, yet they don’t give ample screen time to their funniest cast members. I just don’t get it.
Dragging the ship down even further is the endless barrage of awful music. It’s just one catastrophic tune after the other, sometimes cranked so high in the mix that it drowns out the dialogue that is quite frequently tinny. Not that really matters anyways because none of the characters are saying anything of significance. But damn, they shoulda got a monkey with an organ grinder to supply music. That would’ve been more acceptable.
You know, you can really skip seeing this film and just head right on down to the nearest meat market watering hole and see the same kinda jackassery. Hell, you can even participate. Just think, you might get lucky. However, the filmmakers should be rest assured that there is indeed an audience for “Rules For Men” out there. I can see this film going over really well with the Howard Stern devotees. That’s a no-brainer just because of the Jackie Martling connection, but “Rules” also has that boneheaded mentality that Stern fans really seem to vibe off of.
Special Features ^ Okay, who ordered this? I sure as hell didn’t! Included are two music videos for of the film’s hit songs. So, if you couldn’t get enough of these catchy tunes throughout the feature, here you can bask in their glorious music video treatment. Really, they’re not a whole lot to look at.
You know you have a bad film when one of your special features is far more entertaining than the main course. The certain special feature on this disc is about 15-20 minutes of stand-up from Jackie “the Jokeman” Martling. ^ Funny stuff.

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