*This letter contains spoilage. If you have not seen the new Superman flick, skip this until you do.*
Dear Clark Kent,
This is my last letter to you. I don’t care if you ever respond. I finally saw your latest adventure, Superman Returns. The theater was packed, so congratulations. In the midst of the previews, there was a commercial for the new Spider-Man flick. I used to love that comic when I was a kid but Jesus, are the movies not all the same, or what? Part two was part one again, but with a touch better writing and better effects. But having better effects than the first Spider-Man flick is easier than stealing candy from a dead baby’s hand.
But this is about you Clark. Not Peter. You know my beefs with you and your city. Everyone does, but I was strong enough to put these biases away for 2 hours and 37 minutes of my life.
And God Damn you Clark. For that first hour, you had me like a drunk chick on roofies. It had a cannibal dog! How great is that? “Wasn’t there two of those?” I was laughing so hard. I was going to love this movie, regardless of the glasses thing. When I saw that clip in the trailer of the plane spiraling down to the ground, I was less than impressed. In the final product however, I was almost at the edge of my seat. The crowd in the theater loved it too – they applauded you when you placed the plane safely in the ball field. I even loved watching your stupid girlfriend bounce around the plane. How did her neck not break (or even an arm or something)? Oh, right, suspension of disbelief, got it.
Then the film took that usual turn that many films take in the middle. A turn down the wrong street. Lex Luthor’s best idea for world domination was crystals that grow landmass in the water? Real Estate? Just so I am clear, he dips crystals into the water, and they grow like sea monkeys? That is the most sinister thing he could come up with? That’s about as lame as the plot in Tomorrow Never Dies.
The kid then pushed the piano into that dude with the dog tattooed to his head, rendering him dead. Bryan Singer loves to make James Marsden suffer, doesn’t he. First, in X-Men and X-2, he gives him the wonderful Famke Janssen as a girlfriend but creates conflict with Wolvie. Now in Superman Returns, he gives her a girl I’d give my life for (Kate Bosworth) and a kid he believes is his own but for him, sadly, Lois loves Superman and the kid may not have any relationship to him whatsoever. Ouch.
There is another thing that kind of perplexed me a little bit towards the end. When Parker Posey throws the crystals out of the helicopter, you mean to tell me that none of them made it into the water? Because you were lifting that giant mass of land and pieces were falling all over the place. Yet, those 5 or 6 crystals stayed in perfect place on the top? Oh, yeah, suspension of disbelief. Right.
My man Pete Vonder Haar brings up a very interesting point in his review, Clark. What’s with you using your vision to spy on Lois at her house? What if she was dropping a deuce or masturbating or something? Have you ever heard of privacy dude? You creeped me out too man. The government will no doubt try and snatch you up once they learn that. Patriot Act, here you come.
The film tells me that you were gone for 5 years. Metropolis didn’t get any smarter in that time either. They find no coincidence in the fact that the same day Clark Kent returns to work after a 5-year hiatus, is also the same day that Superman breaks his 5 year hiatus too. Not only can they not figure out your hair and glasses trick, but also this simple coincidence goes unnoticed to everyone. People who work in a NEWSroom – journalists and reporters. Roger Ebert said it best with subtlety in his review with, “Now Superman and (coincidentally) Clark have returned, Clark gets his old job, and Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) is out of prison and plotting to rule the earth. I slanted the subtle part for you.
Vonder Haar and Ebert also gave the film similar ratings. Pete gave it 2 1/2 (about a 50% on the Film Threat scale) and Roger gave it 2 stars (also about a 50% on the Ebert scale). I’m with them. Consider that a compliment though dude, as I’ve pretty much hated you from the get-go and your stupid town/girlfriend. Especially when she was played by Margot Kidder. Her voice haunts my dreams still. And no one should ever have to know what color her panties are either. The next time she asks, do us a favor and don’t answer. For a movie that is almost 3 hours, it certainly felt incomplete.
Well, it’s getting late (or is it early?). You take care of yourself. Obviously kryptonite can’t kill when it’s embedded in your back, so you should be good to go for years to come. Goodbye Clark.