JESS FRANCO’S LUST FOR FRANKENSTEIN Image

“Lust For Frankenstein” is one of those movies that you catch right in the middle on Cinemax as you drunkenly channel surf. You see boobs and the surfing comes to stop. You’ve found peace at two in the morning. But then you realize, wait a minute, I’d actually rather not see this person naked. You give it the benefit of a doubt and decide to see how things play out. Then you realize with horror, HOLY S**T! I’d rather not see any of these people naked! The pants shoot right back over your a*s and you’re scrubbing your eyes out at the sink, hoping there’s no permanent damage. But look at it this way, you’re the lucky one because I had to watch this whole goddamned thing!
Wandering about her apartment one day, Moira Frankenstein finds…the spirit of her dead father, Dr. Frankenstein, staring at her through the sliding glass window. Now there’s something you don’t see every day, but Moira manages to handle this pretty well. I think maybe it’s because the spirit looks more like a bloodied Bob Marley or the Spirit of Rasta Past or something with his dirty dreads. To further reinforce this idea, the first thing pops asks his daughter is to play his records. See? He’s so musical, he came back from the dead to listen to some heavy reggæ beats. Moira finds “a record”, which isn’t too difficult because there’s one sitting on the couch. The guy’s been dead for over 20 years and she just happens to have one of his records lying around the house. Anyways, she puts it on the turntable and what comes out of the stereo doesn’t sound very irie to me, instead it sounds like some cheesy Ted Nugent crap. So much for the spirit of Bob Marley idea.
Bob…I mean…Dr. Frankenstein then magically makes his Monster, played by scream queen Michelle Bauer complete with stitches all over her naked body and bolts in her head, appear in her living room. He asks Moira to take care of his Monster and show the world that he was actually a good guy and not a creep like legend states. How she’s supposed to do that with a stitched and bolted Michelle Bauer I don’t know, but apparently this made sense to somebody. Oh yeah, the Monster has a little penis as well and when I say little, we’re talking about GG Allin here, folks.
Weak, from her teleportation I’m assuming, the Monster needs to eat. So, Moira cold cocks some sex-crazed idiot who just happens to come over at feeding time. Moira lays them each on a table so that she can feed the Monster by transferring the idiot’s life force (?) into her. The only indication that this is happening is a few wires lying about and a handy little machine that emits an annoyingly loud buzzing sound. After she’s energized, Moira and the Monster celebrate by screwing.
Later, Moira can’t find the monster anywhere. Uh oh. You can see where this is going can’t you? In order to survive, the Monster needs to hunt more people, right? Wrong. Moira goes out in the garden to find the Monster humping a tree. I s**t you not. I wish I hadn’t seen it either, but there it was.
Not long after the tree humping misadventure, the Monster becomes jealous of Moira’s lovers and begins killing them with Moira’s assistance. They do the jumper cable routine and dump the dead bodies over a cliff. And that’s pretty much sums up what happens in this gem.
This isn’t even one of those “so bad, it’s good” movies. This is just bad. Loaded with shaky and zoom happy camera work, awful rock tunes (some of which are blatant Cramps rip-offs), bad video effects, horrid voice dubbing and a senseless story, “Lust For Frankenstein” gave me a throbbing headache. I’m gonna go cry now.

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