Film Threat archive logo


By J.X. Williams | May 23, 2011

As to how these scandals will unfold, the butler DIDN’T do it. It was the maids. Or, more likely, two jerks with a sense of executive entitlement finally got their comeuppance.

When I started this column, I promised dirt. I apologize for being derelict in my duties. However, with all of these gossip websites offering $upport for information, I had to hold a little garage sale to pay off some gambling debts.

However, let this week serve as a warning to the insiders who counted me out. May I kindly suggest you stop nosing around the wrong offshore bank accounts? Bother me again and I’m going to go audiovisual on your a*s. Inquiring minds would love to know more about those home movies with down-and-dirty Dominique. Ooh La La! And let’s not forget about all of the unseen footage from “Pumping Iron” that Arnie bought and buried. Besides the good ol’ Sieg Heil routine, the future governor allegedly told the director that he wanted to have an experience ”like Hitler in the Nuremberg stadium. And have all those people scream at you and just being in total agreement with whatever you say.”

Cue the Dead Kennedys: California Über Alles! Über Alles California!

I suppose if Schwarzenegger figured he could stash a love child, hiding a few unflattering outtakes from “Pumping Iron” would be a no-brainer. But there’s a funny thing about film. You can, like uh, go to a lab and process a duplicate copy. I don’t care how many millions of dollars this loser dumps into the Wiesenthal Center. Believe it or not, Arnie, us Jews care about other things besides money.

Speaking of which, you might have heard how Lars Von Trier got Canned after invoking the H-word at a press conference. He reminds me of the two-year old who misbehaves at the fancy restaurant. It’s only a matter of time before Daddy yanks him out of his booster seat and locks him inside the station wagon so the adults can enjoy their dinner in peace.

In keeping with this column’s spirit of gleeful cruelty, I’ve got a contest for readers. You may be familiar with the game of fantasy football. I like to play “fantasy filmmaking.” In this competition, we’re going to help Schwarzenegger and Von Trier reboot their careers. Contestants should develop a 100-word elevator pitch for Von Trier’s next movie with Schwarzenegger in the lead. Maybe the gruesome twosome can work on a project that gets them back in touch with their Aryan roots. Bonus points for working Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, and/or Charlie Sheen into the story.

Readers should post their entries in the comments section below. Discretion being the better part of valor, identities will be kept anonymous. The winner will receive (blah!) a DVD with some of my films. The disc is PAL only so you won’t be able to play it in the U.S. but it makes a perfect coaster.

Step right up!

Follow J.X. Williams on Twitter.

Or join his fan club on Facebook.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Join our Film Threat Newsletter

Newsletter Icon