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By Michael Ferraro | January 14, 2008

There really is no reason for you to read this review. Actually, any review for a film by Uwe Boll is pretty much inconsequential because your mind about him is already made up. You came to that conclusion when you accidentally (or purposefully, depending on your dedication to the awful) watched “Alone in the Dark” (2005) or “House of the Dead” (2003). He’s the German director who challenges film journalists who make fun of him, even though be provides with pictures full of “blood and tits,” to a boxing match.

“In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” is Boll’s latest video game-to-movie adaptation that provides neither blood nor flesh. It’s a big hokey fantasy epic that desperately tries to be “Return of the King” but ends up more on the “Dungeons and Dragons” side of the tracks.

Jason Statham stars as Farmer, who is, well, a farmer who spends his days farming and providing for his family. Genius, I know, but we progress forward. Gallian (Ray Liotta) is an evil sorcerer of some sort who leads an army of Krugs (who look and act like Orcs) raiding the countryside. His goal is to take over King Konreid’s (Burt Reynolds’ kingdom. While tearing up the countryside one day, Gallian’s things kill Farmer’s son and kidnap his wife.

The inevitable happens next. Farmer recruits two other men from his village to seek vengeance from the Krugs. His destiny of course, is that he has ties with the royal family. Just like every single other medieval fantasy story for the past millennia… there is a hidden king in every small village, no matter the story. It’s as common as a case of herpes.

The only thing longer than the title of this movie is the actual film itself. Even Boll fanatics obsessed with his cheese will lose interest rather quickly. The “elaborate” fight sequences are plentiful but repetitive. They all look the same, as if the editor cut and paste the same sequence over and over. The shots are so awkward looking; it’s sometimes hard to tell who’s fighting whom. Minutes in, you won’t care, and you probably didn’t from the get-go.

Fans looking to ridicule and laugh at the newest Boll adventure will be disappointed after the first 20 minutes. It was funny when it started, then it got boring. Too boring to even laugh at anymore. Finally, it just made me angry. Pissed off I let myself waste a Friday evening on it. Finally, I was depressed at the notion of human stupidity. Uwe Boll is the most entertaining persona in entertainment, yet his energy isn’t enough to keep a film alive. Especially one this long.

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  1. Jacob says:

    why don’t u shut up -_- and keep your stupid criticism to yourselves -_- and get a real job………the director is ok, so stfu

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