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By Felix Vasquez Jr. | February 14, 2007

Sure, I’ve done this sort of rambling before, but being Valentine’s day, one of the most disingenuous days of the year, a day that reminds me I ain’t gettin’ none, I felt particularly sour. So, I unleashed the beast. Pierre Bernard, you are my inspiration.

I don’t care who is going to direct “The Hobbit.” Because once upon a time I loved watching the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, and goddamn it, they’re just not fun to watch anymore. Jackson is a damn good director, but these movies just do not hold up to repeated viewings. Are these good films? Sure, but there are just so much better movies out there warranting fan discussion, especially one that’s now in the public consciousness again, thanks only to “Clerks II.” Unless you’re interested in committing eight hours to the entire uncut trilogy, and have read the books every year since grade school, the “Lord of the Rings” movies just won’t offer you much. And I find the more I watch them, the less I’m enthused.

I don’t care that Disney is opening its 2-D animation wing once again, because they effectively killed off hand drawn animation anyway. Whether we like it or not, most of the mainstream public bases their standards on Disney and Pixar, and whether or not they do retreat back into hand drawn animation, what’s the point if they killed it off anyway? With junk like “Treasure Planet,” and “Home on the Range,” Disney set the art form for the fall, and even with the guaranteed Oscar nominations on each title, it’s too little too late. How about focusing on your current films and deciding what to do about your own audience?

I had to endure the likes of the soulless piece of garbage “Cars,” which was possibly the worst Pixar film in years, “Chicken Little” which was quasi-Pixar sans the laughs, and of course who can forget jewels like “Bambi II,” “Cinderella III: A Twist in Time,” and the almost endless carnage of the “Lilo & Stitch” franchise? Your problems are above and beyond mere animated films. How about you stop buying films from Studio Ghibli, and editing their releases for America? Or at least release the films in their original dubbing, with their original dialogue, without the stigmas of conservative America attached to them?

I don’t care who the quote w****s are in the critical world, because you know what? People will see whatever they want to see. A large portion of folks have said that they’ll see a movie regardless of really bad reviews, and it shows. “Norbit” is making the studios money which means we may have a sequel, or more Murphy experiments, “The Covenant” provided reasonable financial returns, “Epic Movie” was a hit, “Stomp the Yard” was a hit. Granted, with mostly minorities, but it was a hit, and America has shown that they just don’t listen to movie critics. They’re still on this notion that they’re all nothing but academic elitist a******s out of touch with audiences, and they could care less what many of them thinks. And there’s a good chance crap like “Halloween,” “Underdog,” “Ghost Rider,” and the “Bratz Movie” will all be smash hits regardless of who thinks what, and that’s just the grim reality. I’m not happy saying that, but it warrants saying. These days I do what I do because critics are still an important resource to independent filmmakers. And the chicks are great.

I don’t care what multi-million dollar deal was made on Youtube, because right now the two creators of that website are in a mansion sniffing coke off an Asian hooker’s a*s with hundred dollar bills and I’m still here in my roach infested apartment trying to find a watchable clip of the “Guy Love” song from “Scrubs.” I could care less.

I don’t care what Rob Zombie thinks about bitchy fan boys because Rob Zombie is a bitchy fan boy himself. Only a man void of any self-respect, and sense of talent would host a My Space page announcing every little update to his remake and then complain when people don’t gush over it, only a bitchy fan boy would allow reviews of his script to be posted on the internet and then call the reviewers who hated it pathetic for judging it solely by the script. Only a bitchy fan boy would completely write off remakes as pointless and then retreat to one when they’ve failed in their attempts to imitate John Carpenter. I don’t care who Sheri Moon will be cast as, I don’t care which “The Devil’s Rejects” star will be cast next, and I don’t even care that Danielle Harris is going to star, because you know what? The next person who calls it “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” is going to get smacked the f**k up.

I don’t care that Eddie Murphy is nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar when his s**t film “Norbit” is now in theaters. How’s that for bad timing Academy? Hurts, doesn’t it? Yeah, it does. You’re probably still wounded from rewarding an Oscar to Cuba Gooding Jr. Ouch.

I don’t care what Hugh Grant’s new role is in whatever new romantic comedy that was s**t out of the Hollywood assembly line. The man hasn’t acted in years, he’s just relied on a series of facial expressions, quips, and an “outrageous” outspoken shtick that wore thin years ago. And he’s still making movies! How? Connections, reputation, and a steady series of really bad unoriginal romance comedies.

I don’t care who Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daddy is. People, global warming is possibly irreversible, in mid-January it was 69 degrees, soldiers are dying one by one at war, and we’re headed for another war, so why should I give a crap about some has been fat model that turned up dead? Hell, I expected her to die sooner, to be quite honest. Why do people give a s**t about this bitch who never contributed anything beyond sticky pages from “Playboy” subscribers? Her biggest accomplishment was garnering an obscenely long running series on the E! Network, and all she did was perpetuate the notion that she was just some trailer trash chick who, in a perfect world, would be giving hummers for cigarettes on an off-ramp in Jersey. When Paris Hilton’s drug bloated cum stained corpse shows up in a ditch in West Hollywood, let me know, though. That would be sweet.

Aw f**k it we’re all screwed, anyway.

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  1. stateparks says:

    possibly your best piece of writing ever!

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