HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA! Image

Right. We open up on footage of sleazy protagonist Hal Martin’s natty Stingray sports car speeding through some anonymous Spanish terrain. Martin is played by Jose Gras, aka Robert O’Neal of rubbish Italian 1981 “Dawn of The Dead” rip-off “Night of The Zombies”. This guy doesn’t seem to have had much filmic luck. He only appears to have been in four films: this one, the zombie swill, a softcore porn effort called “Catherine Cherie” and one other abominable-sounding effort called “Cambio de Sexo” or “I Want To Be A Woman.” Any further scrutiny of this muppet’s CV doesn’t really bear thinking about. Having seen him ‘act’ in this and in the undead lobotomy, I can only say I’m hardly surprised he never exactly set the thespian world alight.
So anyway. The credits roll to a terrible ‘song’ by 80s German rockers Krokus called ‘Easy Rocker’; sure as s**t ain’t Easy Listening anyway. One of the lyrics sounds uncannily like “The scream of eternal life/goes through every a*****e’s soul tonight”. I don’t think that my transcription is correct, but I would like to hope it is. Because that would possibly be the best lyric ever written by anybody, at any time, past or present or future. Sounds like something William S Burroughs would write. If you’re me, that is.
A credit for sound is attributed to one Jack McConnell, which coincidentally happens to be the name of the current New Labour First Minister for Scotland. Did that adulterous wee jumped-up local councilor spend his time before being in government scoring cheapshit softcore porn-and-gore exploitation films? I for one hope so. Certainly wouldn’t surprise me anyway. I might write to him one of these daze and ask him. His reply would be interesting anyway. We are also told that ‘music’ in the film (if you can call it music) is played by world-famous combo E.Flat but that a timeless ditty entitled ‘Muggi-Boogie’ is (de)composed and played by The Jackies. Glad they got that sorted out for us. Would hate to have attributed ‘Muggi-Boogie’ to the First Minister for Scotland. Cos that would just have been stupid and dangerous. Down that path lies anarchy.
Onwards. Wee Jose (who is in his late 30s) and his nubile young ingénue Babs are roaring into the city at night to celebrate her 18th birthday. They stop at a set of traffic lights to have a quick suck at each others’ faces when they are interrupted by the extremely gay-looking Nazi-clothes-wearing leader of a motley biker gang banging on their window. Asking them if Hal thinks he owns the street “just cos you drive that wagon,” Disco Rommel spits in the sports car-driver’s face.
“Damn you bastard! You’ll pay for this!” screams the sputum-dripping dick, bringing to an end one of the finest examples of badly dubbed interplay between talentless fools you will ever see. The dubbing in this film is incredibly bad, and all the better for it – they only seem to have used a few actors to do all the voices during the running time, and nearly every line is rendered amazingly quotable by this and the fact the dialog is some of the worst ever screamed from the silver screen. You know, this film just has it all. And less.
A wee word on the “Mad Foxes” (if indeed that’s who they are) themselves. They all drive dirt bikes, no chopped hogs, and really are a disgrace to evil celluloid biker gangs the world over. Plus they all wear helmets. BOO! Chickenshit bastards! Thir a total bunch ay poofs, man! Even so, Hal’s words about ‘paying for this’ become eerily and pathetically prophetic only moments later. The lights change and Hal roars off, not noticing the fact that he inadvertently runs one of the substandard bikers off the road, sending him flying across the bonnet of a parked car whilst his trashy dirt bike explodes on impact with the vehicle. Good. Best thing for it, I would say.
Jarring jump cut to…some scratchy, faded 60s stock footage of couples dancing in a nightclub. If the ancient out-of-date fashions didn’t give away the fact the footage wasn’t from the same film, then the fact that it wasn’t letterboxed, whilst the rest of the film is, woulda been a dead giveaway. I don’t know why they use stock footage. It’s best not to try and contemplate such things too much; it could drive you mad. Cos it only gets worse. Much worse.
But suffice to say, Hal and Babs are at their destination, a nightclub called The Big Apple. Hal, big-shot hot-s**t preening posing pimp playboy that he is, is well known in the club. He shouts across to the barmaid “Rosie, hey Rosie! Hey babe, we’re dry.” Seeing as how it hasn’t been raining, I woulda thought this was a pointless point to make, as she might have ascertained this merely by looking at them. However, apparently not. And it’s here I drag you back to mentioning the Falkirk Rosie I managed to get involved in the Foxes cult. I actually told this one barmaid that line, and told her that when I said it I would like a pint of lager. And she went along with it. Which is funny, looking back. And weird too. I offer no real excuse as to the strange depth of my obsession with this shite back in the day. Take it or leave it, but believe it, cos I ain’t making this stuff up. I couldn’t.
Rosie from the film says that all Hal’s “fans” have been asking for him, so you kinda get the vague idea he might be a racecar driver or…something, who knows. This bit of random throwaway characterization is never explained, much like pretty much everything else in the film. This truly does come across as a flickershow they were just making up as they go along, forgetting what they did only five minutes earlier, like of the guy from “Memento” got to be a director or something. And he certainly couldn’t do a worse job than what’s on display here, that’s for sure. Anyway. Getting some champagne the couple retire to drink it, making constant references to the fact that it is the young woman’s 18th birthday, in case you didn’t get it the first 20 or 30 times they mentioned it.
The filth continues in part three of HELLO BASTARDS! HERE’S A LITTLE MOVIE FOR YA!>>>

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