For those of you unfamiliar with Road House, it’s basically a kung-fu hillbilly flick. But what makes this different from your run of the mill kung-fu hillbilly flick is that it features an action hero/philosopher named Dalton. Dalton (played by sex-god Patrick Swazye) is the best Cooler (doorman/bouncer) in the mid-west. But what makes Dalton different from your average bouncer is that Dalton walks softly and carries a big mullet. In other words, he’s a bad-a*s kung-fu master with a degree in philosophy from NYU. Instead of spending his days doing that sissy stuff that most philosophers do like teach at a University, Dalton enjoys espousing philosophy (and flying kicks) on the patrons of the Double Deuce, the meanest bar in Jasper, MO., the place Dalton’s been hired to clean up. The corn fed, monster truck driving hicks of Jasper are about to learn a lesson in fisticuffs and philosophy their eight grade educated brains will never forget.

We can all learn a lot by observing Dalton as he simultaneously attempts to enlighten and kick the crap out of every white trash guy in town. Feel free to use any of these next time you’re invited to a dinner party of wimpy intellectuals and wine drinkers. Trust me, they’ll get their attention.

DALTON’S Philosophies:

Opinions Vary.
Don’t fly, it’s too dangerous.
Pain don’t hurt.
Carry around your medical records with you, it saves time.
And the always useful:
Be nice, until it’s time to not be nice.

Socrates, Sun Zu, Descartes. At one time they were great philosophers. But to the Red Bull drinking, Internet dating, X-box playing generation they’re just a bunch of dead guys. When was the last time you heard someone quote Plato? When was the last time you heard someone quote Jeff Spicoli? Point made. The true philosopher-warrior-poets of our generation are Obi Wan Kenobi, Tyler Durden and Travis Bickle.

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