[ THE HOLLYWOOD FILMMAKER’S VOW OF QUALITY ]
I, as a Hollywood filmmaker, make this vow to maintain the quality of my film and the enjoyment of the work. I promise…
1. I’ll keep a special, designated aluminum bat reserved for marketing people who attempt to participate in creative meetings. Plot and characterizations are a higher priority than happy meals. ^ 2. I won’t reveal all the major plot twists in the trailer. ^ 3. I will not stage a film like a series of 200 30-second commercials. Trailers are for selling the movie. You don’t need to sell it after the audience has already paid to see it. ^ 4. I will finish writing my film before I shoot it. “Fixing it in production” is like putting new brakes on your car while you’re on the freeway. It could be done, but requires more skill than I probably have and would have been much easier to do before the car was moving. ^ 5. If staging a horror film or an adaptation of a comic book, I will not act as if I’m slumming from “real” filmmaking. Super-powers and gore do not replace human motivations and characterizations. ^ 6. When re-enacting a teenager’s coming of age, I will not to portray it as a wonderful “journey of discovery”. The only people who enjoyed high school where the ones inflicting it on everyone else. People generally don’t want to watch childhoods happier than their own. ^ 7. When writing a film about racism, slavery, or civil rights, I won’t have a white lawyer / white FBI agent / white police officer stand up and save the black people. Avoiding working with black actors in the lead only perpetuates the problem. ^ 8. Irony and sarcasm are not substitutes for emotional involvement. If the main characters don’t act like they care about what’s happening, why should an audience? ^ 9. I will not employ a pumpin’ rock and roll soundtrack to elicit the response my abilities as a filmmaker could not. Kenny Loggins can retire with what he’s got.
And finally…
10. I will employ midgets to dress like and mimic the actions of the protagonist. If it works for Brando and the Heat-Miser, it works for me.
If I fail to adhere to this pledge, please beat me with the aforementioned marketing bat and force me to direct “Diagnosis Murder” for the rest of my life.
