40. DIRECTORS THAT INSIST ON PUTTING THEIR OWN “TOUCH” ON SUPERHERO MOVIES
Industry players like Tim Burton and Guillermo del Toro need to take the lead from Sam Raimi and Bryan Singer, the only directors in decades to make a superhero movie that stayed true to the original comic books. With the upcoming “Superman vs. Batman” movie, Darren Aronofsky originally being attached to “Batman: Year One” and rumors of McG helming “Superman Lives” before it sunk back into oblivion, we can only wish that overly stylized directors will show some restraint when tinkering with our beloved pop culture icons.
41. JACKIE CHAN
Jackie, the truth is we like you. We really, really like you. But we enjoyed your earlier, funny films. American-made crapola like “The Tuxedo” makes us wonder if you were better with the subtitles.
42. JAMES BOND
Wait a sec. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Sorry, what were we talking about? What? There’s another Bond movie out? Eh, we’ll wait for video.
43. HALLE BERRY
Well, after winning that Best Actress Oscar, she’s back to cashing in on her breast appeal in the latest Bond flick. After that, she dons that horrible white wig as Storm in the sequel to X-Men. However, there is a bright side for Berry fans — she’s too busy to blubber over receiving an award!
44. ROGER KUMBLE
He’s not as high on the “hope they never work in this town again” list as The Sweetest Thing writer Nancy Pimental, but the director of this bomb is inching up there. Sure, his directorial debut of Cruel Intentions was pretty decent (barring Ryan Phillippe’s overacting homage to John Malkovich), but “Cruel Intentions 2” was one of the worst career moves since Christopher Reeve insisted on co-writing “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.” Kumble should have taken the lead of other fathers of franchises like John Carpenter (for Halloween), Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez (for “From Dusk Till Dawn”) and Sean Cunningham (for Friday the 13th): Become a producer and let an unknown hack direct the sequels, especially if they’re cast with unknowns and will be sent directly to cable. Too bad for Kumble that The Sweetest Thing isn’t set for a sequel anytime soon.
45. STEVE OEDEKERK
He started big by writing “The Nutty Professor” and directing “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls”, but Oedekerk has hit the wall hard with his stinker earlier this year, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. Actually, the film was technically brilliant, rivaling Carl Reiner’s “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid,” but it was Oedekerk’s vacuous sense of timing and undeserving ego that drove him to do most of the voices for the film that killed it. Now Oedekerk is happy to pummel us with DVD releases of depressingly unfunny spoofs starring his thumb and (surprise, surprise) with himself doing most of the voices.
46. KATHRYN BIGELOW
This man’s man director sunk her own career with the brutally torpedoed K-19: The Widowmaker. It was the most expensive independently produced film (meaning without direct studio backing), and it was the highest budget ever awarded to a female director. And it probably will keep that distinction for a long, long time.
47. ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Damn! I mean, DAMN! Have you seen her reality television show on E!? It hurts. Deep, stinging hurt! We’re almost embarrassed to admit the entire staff (‘cept Campos…he knew better) masturbated to her in Playboy magazine. If a neutron bomb went off around her and her entourage, wouldn’t the world be a better place?
48. ALEXANDER SOKUROV
Some cine-snobs lactate shamelessly over this Russian filmmaker’s output of slumbering and pretentious films, mistaking his plodding direction and lethargic screenplays for such muck as Taurus and Russian Ark for fine art. But for the normal moviegoer a few hours with a Sokurov movie is like a decade in the gulag.
49. THE OLSEN TWINS
My goodness, but these bewitching and charming young ladies are blessed with a reservoir of talent and style. Together they bring such intelligence and sophistication to the screen that we can easily state, with no false modesty, that the Olsens represent everything that is right and wonderful with American youth. And furthermore…oh shit, this joint went out. Does someone have a match?
50. PETE JONES
This nice guy from Chicago, who appears as if his first job was as a model for the Velvet Peanut Butter jar, was tossed into the jungle of Hollywood to direct his “Project Greenlight” winning script Stolen Summer. The poor sap was chewed up and spit out by his line producer, cinematographer and various other members of the crew. Pete’s rough and tumble experience resulted in Ben and Matt changing the “Project Greenlight” rules for this year to seek both a writer and a director. Poor Pete will get a cameo in the season opener. And a case of Sam Adams!
Brought to you by the Film Threat staff with contributions from Eric Campos, Chris Gore, Phil Hall, Kevin Carr, Ron Wells and sources who prefer to remain anonymous.