The audience, myself included, stood in the aisles. Then, as if on cue, everyone but me fell to the floor. I was left standing, shaking my head in disgust. I stepped over a few bodies and made my way back to my seat, wondering what the hell I was doing here in the first place.

God, I hate “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

I never understood the appeal of this film; there are better bad movies out there. Maybe it’s the combination of story and song that appeals to young people. Maybe it’s the thought that they are being “rebellious” by watching a movie in a theatre at — gasp — midnight. And don’t even get me started on the casts of the live shows. I really don’t understand that … and I know a few of them who do it. What would drive a person to so embrace a movie that isn’t even bad in a good way?

I’ve pondered this question quite a bit, and I think the rebellious aspect of it has merit (and may actually apply to some people), but I believe most people like this movie because they find it entertaining, which is the same reason some people join the live cast. It’s like this tribal ritual without any of the physical pain. It’s a bonding experience with like-minded peers. It’s a coming-of-age rite, though some people never stop going through it.

There really is nothing rebellious about seeing a film at midnight, and engaging in a live show, whether as an audience member or cast member, isn’t rebellious, either. When I saw the show with a cast in Allentown, PA, there were all sorts of rules that had to be followed so that the theatre didn’t get destroyed. How’s that for rebellion? (Incidentally, after the show I went to a restaurant with some of the cast. A cast from a competing show from somewhere else in PA was there. It was a high tension moment as pretentious theatre-types stared each other down over bad coffee and worse nachos.)

The only film I can ever see going all out for and doing an accompanying live show would be “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” The movie would be treated with the respect it deserves and not mocked like “Rocky.” If you mocked it, you would be dragged up on stage and forced to re-enact the legendary dinner scene. Now that would be entertainment I could get into.

I may get some letters about this, but there’s really nothing anyone can say that could convince me to give “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” another chance. I’ve heard it all. Most of the reasons come down to, “It’s really fun.” It’s not. It’s boring and stupid … even with attractive ladies in lingerie (and some not-so-attractive ones). I didn’t have a good time at the show I attended, and nothing about it sounds “fun” to me. I only went that first time because an ex-girlfriend asked me to accompany her. She thought I might enjoy it, but didn’t really expect me to. Nobody else who knows me would expect me to, either, so all you fans out there can just keep your ideas to yourself. I’m not seeing it ever again, and I have no plans of hanging out with slightly drunk seventeen-year-olds whose idea of a “good time” involves throwing toast around. I’d rather go get another root canal or even watch “Dick Baby” one more time.

That live version of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”? That’s just a pipe dream for now, but if it ever happens, I’ll be sure to invite some of the “Rocky” cast. We’ll show those pups a real good time, and I guarantee they’ll leave the theatre as different people.

The “Time Warp”? No, I’d much rather see Grandpa trying to “get that bitch.” Who’s with me here?

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