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By Doug Brunell | September 7, 2006

Dear God,
I know I don’t believe in you, worship you, or even think about you all that often. I never even included your name in the Pledge of Allegiance when I actually bothered to say it. (In my defense, I changed a bunch of the words, but I admit to leaving you out on purpose.) I have a favor to ask of you, though. I want you to stop any future Harry Potter films so that I won’t have to hear one more person say to me, “You like horror movies? Have you seen ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’?”
I’ve never read the Potter books. I’ve had no desire to, though I’ve heard they’re quite good. I saw the first film about J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter character, and it wasn’t awful, but then again I didn’t pay for my ticket. I haven’t seen any of the sequels, and nor do I plan to. Every day, though, I think about them, and hope against all hope that you end this sick thing before the last sequel arrives to plague this planet.
Let me explain something. I’m not a cold-hearted person. I think it’s great kids are reading these epic tales. Anything that gets kids into books is fine by me. I really resent, however, that the movies are being made, and that’s why I’m asking for your help.
When I mentioned to a lady that I liked horror movies and she asked me about seeing the latest film about Potter, I had to ask her why she would even associate the two. “Well, it was dark … like a horror film.” After telling her it was a fantasy, she said, “But it’s still pretty scary … like ‘Dawn of the Dead.’”
No matter how scary a Harry Potter movie is, it’s not a horror film. It just isn’t, and the fact that some brain damaged adult would think that really bothers me. The movies are adapted from a series of books for kids! If a director wants to stick even within a mile of the source material they aren’t going to be horror films. I don’t understand why this adult (and she isn’t the only one who has said things like that to me in regards to that film, either) doesn’t get that.
God, if you did this, I’d consider it a special favor. I’d get rid of someone for you even. Deal?
I understand you may have some “moral” hesitation. You may not want to step into mortals’ affairs just because I kindly ask you to do so. I can understand that. I’d be the same way. I’m thinking you may be up for it these days, though. You got all those people in New Orleans, and you took Reagan, too. (Thanks.) What’s one overrated film franchise in the grand scheme of things?
I wouldn’t have asked this had that woman not compared the last film to “Dawn of the Dead.” I know it sounds petty, but things like that bring out the worst in me. (After that incident I took to calling Rowling’s adorable little wizard Larry Porter whenever I was in the idiot’s presence … just to piss her off. See, I can be a moron, too.)
And while I have your ear, I just thought I’d float something else by you. When you’re done destroying the future Harry Potter movies I was thinking of having you take care of this little problem I have with Brett Ratner. I’m thinking he can have a motorcycle accident (like Gary Busey), or maybe a well-timed stroke or two. What do you say, Lord? You game? -Sincerely, Doug Brunell

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