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By Chris Parcellin | May 2, 2001

The general stupidity of the American public has never really been a topic worth debating. One only has to turn on the boob tube and start flipping through the channels to see the kind of pabulum that is being dished-out by both the major networks and cable outlets alike. And of course this audio/visual gruel is eagerly lapped-up by the hordes of mindless bozos who get-off on crap like stock car racing and fat, sweaty bullshitters like Oprah.
The stupidity quotient has definitely been on a big upswing in recent times with the booming success of retched brain-dead fare like “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”, “Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?”, “Who Wants To Beat A Millionaire To Death With A Rolling Pin?” and the granddaddy of all granddaddies of mega-idiotic programming: “Survivor”.
The first season of “Survivor” took America by storm. A bunch of cranky, stinky nobodies slugged it out on a deserted island (except for a huge television crew and craft services). Eventually, a fat, smug, insolent gay guy named Richard Hatch walked away with one-million crisp greenbacks and the kind of empty, unwarranted fame that people like Jessica Hahn and Danny Bonaduce have been chasing with varying degrees of success for twenty odd years.
When you can churn out the kind of slop that really grabs the attention of John Q. Public, there are going to be plenty of people out there looking for their piece of the pie. So, there have already been a proliferation of rancid imitations of “Survivor” hitting the airwaves. Real stinkbombs like “Temptation Island” proved to be big winners with a nation hungry for indescribably bad television sandwiched between ads for Whoppers and deodorant tampons. And now there have even been some “Survivor” parodies slapped together for that lucrative direct-to-Blockbuster market.
The knock-off in question is “Erotic Survivor”, a pseudo-documentary/comedy set on a “remote island” called Tittycock where eight people are left to fend for themselves for three days. Amongst themselves they must narrow their population down until only one erotic survivor remains. The prize? Twenty dollars.
Darian (Darian Caine) tells us “I’d do anything for twenty dollars!” Isn’t that fabulous? It’s plain to see that Ms. Caine is one fun date. And that becomes even more obvious when she starts getting down with a handy dildo–right out in the great wide open, if you know what I mean. Some people are just really good at entertaining themselves. And it’s fair to say that Darian is one of those.
As for the competition, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that it’s interspersed with occasional outbursts of gratuitous sexplay. Even less surprising is the fact that the sex is a hell of a lot more interesting than watching a bunch of less-than-gifted actors fake their way through a bunch of lame sporting events.
As far as the babe watch goes, Misty Mundæ is as appealingly telegenic as ever–and when the weak plot shifts to letting her get naked and kinky, things really start to click. Coupled with the fact that she looks to be all of fifteen years-old, there’s little doubt that young Misty has got the perverts of America in a lather. Needless to say, petite brunette bombshell Darian Caine is always an enthusiastic participant in the onscreen debauchery. But sadly, legendary B-movie cutie Debbie Rochon avoids the sex and nudity, and only seems to be here to lend her name to the credits on the box cover. This movie really drags when the filthy stuff isn’t going on. It feels thrown together and the humor is sub-sophomoric and unfunny. In the final analysis, “Erotic Survivor” could’ve used less talk and more sexploitation.

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