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By Michael Ferraro | June 6, 2006

If there is one thing in this world I hate more than Attack of the Clones, it’s when movie franchises never finish up. Where is Teen Wolf 3 starring Lindsay Lohan? How about The Sting 3 with Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker? The Whole Eleven Yards? Oooh, let’s not forget about Mannequin 3. Why haven’t John Carpenter and Kurt Russell teamed up to finish off Snake in Escape From _________?

Other film franchises with only two parts:

  • Stakeout (could be finished with The Last Stakeout)
  • Short Circuit
  • Weekend at Bernie’s (could be finished with The Last Weekend at Bernie’s)
  • Predator
  • 48 Hours (could be followed with The Last 48 Hours)
  • Sister Act
  • Cocoon
  • Bill and Ted’s _________ (in today’s conservative atmosphere, perhaps a Biblical Adventure is in order)

And so on and so forth. I’m probably missing a couple of classics but you get the picture.

In the straight-to-video market, anything is possible. Warner Bros. recently announced that it would be financing 15 straight-to-video sequels in the near future, including a new entry into the Dukes of Hazzard franchise. Well, I’m sure people will be lining up around the block to get their hands on that masterpiece. It’ll probably be the same people that have 8MM 2 and Hollow Man 2 on their shelves.

I have some good news for those of you out there that thought that simply one Single White Female wasn’t enough.

Take a look at this… this is so good that my awesome drawing skills had nothing on it:


As if the first two weren’t enough, we have another to complete the circle. How many summers can go by? Just let it go Mr. Hook-man. The good thing about the straight-to-video market is that actors and gaffers and best boys and production assistants shouldn’t have a problem staying out of the unemployment line.

I think those of us willing to rent these films… wait, those of you (I am not that stupid to fall for these titles at the video store or through Netflix), actually expect a halfway decent movie. Why else would people rent these films, let alone purchase them?

My plump friend Steve loves him some science fiction and one time he said to me, “But dude, Starship Troopers 2 wasn’t that bad…”

I find that hard to believe. I also find it hard to believe that I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer will be even remotely decent. I guess I’ll have to wait for the thumbs up from Fat Steve come August 1st.

Also coming straight-to-DVD (on the pre-anniversary of the death of Jerry Garcia, August 8th, 2006) soon is the third chapter of Bring it On, called All or Nothing, starring Solange Knowles-Smith. Apparently Solange is related to Beyonce but I am still trying to figure out of this person is her brother or her sister.

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  1. Rory L. Aronsky says:

    No, no. They’re thinking, “Oh great. A production like this and the guys aren’t even well-hung.” That also goes for the sole guy on the cover.

  2. Felix says:

    That cover looks like the actors just realized:
    “Dear god, our careers are going nowhere, are they?”

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