By Don R. Lewis | February 24, 2007

Sure, I dig the Oscars. Part of me thinks there shouldn’t be awards for art but anyone who thinks film is purely art and not a business is just plain daft. But the Oscars are stuffy and frigging long. Thankfully IFC has taken to televising the “”Independent Spirit Awards” the day before the Oscars and it’s a much more laid back affair. You can even drink and curse!!

This year I’ve decided to steal a blog idea from Mr. Pete Vander Haar and blog the “”Independent Spirit Awards.” If you grab a beer and some cheese while you read along here, it’ll be like you’re watching it alongside me”¦minus the farting.

2:02 p.m. Ah yes, my lil Sarah Silverman is back this year! Best joke in the opening skit “”Man Push Cart? Man”¦give”¦s**t.”

2:12 Best Supporting Actor is up first. Way to be against those Oscar peeps who always present Best Supporting Actress First. Who I want to win is Channing Tatum who was a badass in “”A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints.” He stands no chance though. Who I think will win is Alan Arkin, Who won is”¦Arkin. ZZzzz. His speech”¦also ZZzz.

2:17 Best First Screenplay? I guarantee you these people have about 20 shitty screenplays in their dresser drawer. I’m sure Michael Arnt will win for “”Little Miss Sunshine,” but I want “”A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints” (I frigging loved that one) or “”Half Nelson,” but LMS is a shoe-in”¦.and it just won. Where’s that link to that site that compares LMS to National Lampoons “”Vacation?” ZZZzzz.

Silverman: “”What a shock, Alan Arkin won.”
Ohhh! Winona is on!!

2:25 Best Supporting Actress”¦has anyone seen any of these movies? Frances McDormand”¦wow, shocking. Jeez. Wow. More beer here. She isn’t even there?! Lame. Almost as lame as “”Friends With Money.”

2:32 Best First Feature. Now here’s a category that’s cool. But, it’s next to impossible to see these films until DVD’s are released. “”Sweet Land” wins. I hear it was better when it was called “”Days of Heaven.”

2:40 John Cassavettes Award for best feature under $500,000. Wow”¦people make features for under half a million dollars!!?? Wow, shocking. How ever do they do it? Cynicism aside, “”Cavite” won last year and this is another cool award. I hear “”Chalk” is great. But can anything stop “”Four Eyed Monsters” from winning? I hope so, otherwise we’ll get another 1200 myspace bulletins and rerun screenings in our area in which the filmmakers “”desperately need our help to spread the word about their award winning film.” I’m pulling for “”Old Joy.” Ohh”¦”Quincenara” was also great”¦it just won! Woot!

2:42 Guillermo del Toro awkwardly introduces the first clip for best picture (and the one I hope wins) “”Pan’s Labyrinth.” That goes into the little deal where people sing the nominees for best picture. Minnie Driver sings an ode to “”Pan’s” set to the tune of “”I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Rollerskates.” Cute. Minnie’s hot and can sing real purty too. Why is Cuba Gooding Jr. there?

2:50 Dennis Hopper is hamming it up doing his “”Don’t you f*****g look at me” routine. He’s here to do a Special Distinction Award to David Lynch. $10 says Lynch gives the same ole down-home speech he always gives. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but I haven’t even seen this speech and I know I’ve seen it. How very Lynchian of me. Oh wait, the award is for Lynch and Laura Dern, nice. No Lynch though. What the f**k? Maybe if the IFP would have nominated his amazing and epitome of “”indie” film “”Inland Empire,” he would have made the trip. Dumbasses.

Matt “”No” Dillon looks like a Cro-Mag.

3:02 Man, boring. Boring boring boring. Best Foreign Film is up. It’s hard enough to see foreign films in theaters, let alone independent foreign films. “”The Lives of Others” won. Yay.

3:06 Best Actress”¦finally something I’ve heard of the nominees in. I’m pulling for Shareeka Epps from “”Half Nelson.” WOW!!! She won! Nice! She’s the America Ferrara of the Indie film world for the day! I know she’s just a kid, but that’s one crappy outfit.

3:08 Taylor Dane sings the ode to “”Little Miss Shoe In” err”¦”Sunshine.” Yeah, Taylor Dane. Seriously. Even more freaky, it’s a song called “”Screw the Family” sung to the tune of “”We Are Family.” There’s not enough beer in my fridge to wash this bad taste out.

3:17 Another cool award, the “”Someone to Watch” award. The winner gets $50,000 which is enough to compete for the Cassavettes Award next year. Or, buy hookers and booze. Julia Loktev, director of “”Day Night, Day Night” won. I hear it’s great film so congrats.

Right after that is the “”Truer than Fiction Award” that goes to a doc filmmaker. Adele Horne who directed “”The Tailenders” wins. Huh? Who? More beer.

3:20 Robert Altman honored. Sally Kellerman still looks hot and it’s always great to see Elliott Gould. When did Kellerman start sounding eerily similar to Norma Desmond? Overall a pretty rinky-dink tribute, but they’ve created a “”Robert Altman Award” for ensemble films. Pretty cool.

3:33 Neil Patrick Harris sings the song for “”American Gun.” Did you guys know he’s gay? O.K”¦well”¦did you know he’s a shitty singer?

3:35 Best Cinematography goes to Guillermo Navarro for “”Pan’s Labyrinth.” Cool, I guess. It looked like standard fantasy photography to me and I dug the stuff in “”Wild Tigers I Have Known” and “”Four Eyed Monsters.” But “”Pan’s is so great, I don’t mind so much.

3:39 Best Doc. Should be “”When the Levees Broke.” That’s a great movie period. But who wants to think about real life horrors that are still going on and fairly easily fixable by any and all Americans? It’s not even nominated. “”Road to Guantanamo” is NOT a doc. I loved the film and it needs to be seen. It has all kinds of fictional re-enactments in it though. Lame. And it just won. What a crock.

3:45 Best Screenplay”¦presented by John Waters! Jason Reitman swings it for “”Thank You for Smoking.” Following that is Rosario Dawson sucking on a red lollipop and singing the song for “”Half Nelson.” Yum.

3:50 Best Director”¦now we’re cooking. Will they kick one posthumously to Altman? Nah, this is “”Little Miss Sunshine” weekend, I think. Yup, I win again and so does “”LMS.”

3:54 Best Actor or”¦as I just noticed it’s “”Best Male Lead” here. Well la-tee-da. I’m pulling for Gosling and don’t see how he can lose this one. He’s doomed tomorrow, but today”¦winner! I didn’t realize Forrest Whitaker was a nominee for “”American Gun” so I almost ate my ellipses there. Ironically Gosling looks cracked out. Hope he cleans up (or lights up) for Oscar night tomorrow. Awesome speech though.

4:00 Best Picture time in one of the snooziest Independent Spirit Awards ever. I’m pulling for “”Half Nelson” or “”Pan’s Labyrinth” but it’s all “”Little Miss Sunshine.” It’s inevitable. Yawn, “”LMS” wins again.

So, that was boring. At least this blog will be amongst the first places to read the show’s results. But now I’m out of beer and this boredom has killed my buzz. Off to the store”¦

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  1. guest says:

    Wow, Neil is NOT a shitty singer, he has a great voice and sounds beautiful on stage!!!!!!

  2. Mark Bell says:

    Check out the frontpage headlines of Film Threat for an interesting Film Independent story too…

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