More a round of “Dungeons & Dragons” (the RPG) on film, “Conan The Destroyer” marks one of Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s last films prior to embracing global stardom with “The Terminator” (1984). It’s also a movie with no real value, except for its campier qualities.
In this sequel to 1982’s “Conan,” our zesty barbarian (Schwarzeneggar) is recruited by a wicked queen (Sarah Douglas of “Superman II”) to escort her dim, blonde niece (Olivia D’Abo) on a quest to retrieve a mystic horn. This, for a vow to resurrect Conan’s girlfriend–killed in the first movie–from the dead. However, it’s often unclear why Conan’s pals join this weekend retreat, including a thief (Tracey Walters), a wizard (Mako), and a renegade played by `80s punk valkyrie Grace Jones. Also co-starring in his Size 16 boots is NBA legend Wilt Chamberlain as Princess Olivia’s strapping bodyguard, who schools her–as Wilt did all his ladies–in the arts of love and warfare.
No, not really. But it would be appropriate.
The action in this “Conan” is light and decent, but not as well framed as in the former directed by John Milius (“Red Dawn”). Instead, we’re subjected to glamour shots of Arnold flexing and Grace Jones (“A View To A Kill”) screeching thru her dental work, as Conan’s crew battles big monsters, bad magic, and the queen’s guards sent to erase them after finding the horn. Also look for plenty of fake blood and average special effects, a trademark of most films produced by Dino de Laurentis in the ’80s.
Otherwise, “Conan The Destroyer” is again best aimed at ex-fantasy addicts out for a dated shot of swords and sorcery. It’s all safe, just empty and mindless.