BAD MOVIE POLICE CASE #2: CHICK BOXER (DVD) Image

For those unfamiliar with the concept, the Bad Movie Police (Ariauna Albright and Lilith Stabs) seek out and punish those who make horrible films — a thankless task that never ends. They then present viewers with the evidence. This time we are “treated” to “Chick Boxer,” a film so bad it’s liable to cause cancer just by its very existence. So how does it get three stars? It’s the fact that this really lives up to being a bad film, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

The film stars Julie Ann Suscinski as Kathy, a woman enamored with
Chick Boxer (Michelle Bauer), a television show character. Suscinski is an interesting choice for a seventeen-year-old leading lady in an action film. She’s quite a bit older than seventeen and looks like one of those women who enjoys hanging out at Wal-Mart. In addition to those setbacks, she can barely raise her leg to kick — an essential move in a film where she becomes a Chick Boxer. If there were any justice in the world, the plot would make up for the star’s shortcomings. That’s not the case here, however.

The story revolves around a fixed election, drugs, and two thugs who seem like they came out of a children’s cartoon — the absolute worst type of villains to have in any movie. Kathy overhears the bad guys chatting about a murder and decides she needs to set things right. To do this, she enlists the help of her boyfriend, Billy (James L. Edwards). As to be expected, there is a “climatic” showdown, which is when Kathy suddenly becomes skilled at karate after about one and a half classes and kicks the evil Colt Jackson (James Black) in the back … killing him. Yes, this takes place on Earth.

What struck me as odd throughout about this film wasn’t the awkward narration featuring Kathy dressed as a creepy kind of cat lady. It
also wasn’t the ridiculous story and equally outrageous “acting.” It was the fact that viewers are led to believe that this dour, socially awkward “teenager” (she looks about twenty-nine) is supposedly a “good catch.” Billy, who kind of comes across as a bit of a stud, is even encouraged by his father to date her, and then the boy whines that he blew his chance at that earlier. Oh. My. God.

People love looking at car accidents. This is the film equivalent of one. Once it catches your eye, you won’t be able to stop watching.
Be warned, though. Accidents don’t get much worse than this.

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