BACKWOODS (DVD) Image

BACKWOODS (DVD)

By Admin | February 17, 2003

Try this one on for size: some 30 years ago, a hillbilly chick (played by a man in the film) gets knocked up on prom night. The father runs off and the bastard child gestates for thirty years. Upon emerging (from his mother’s rectum, in case we were confused that there was some semblance of intelligence here), the now adult child (David Hayes) exhibits evil genius tendencies that prompt his mother to name him Luther, after the Gene Hackman character from Superman.
NOTE: I realize that the correct spelling is, “Luthor.” As in, “Lex Luthor.” I have no control over the materials included with the film in question. More’s the pity.
Unfortunately for concerned “Backwoods” audiences everywhere, Mom drops young evil genius “Luther” on his head, squashing all hopes of world domination and rendering the young lad a gibbering idiot, albeit one with a serious mother fixation.
Things get worse when a group of insensitive teens (are there any other kind?) – already warned by the slimy sheriff and the freaky gas station attendant – steamroller over Mom (listen for the busy highway sounds on the supposedly deserted road), sending Luther into a homicidal rage the likes of which haven’t been seen since Ripley torched the mama alien’s eggs.
We have almost every lame horror movie trope here. Not only do the idiots kill Luther’s mother, but they don’t care! Even the moronic characters in “I Know What You Did Last Summer” felt a modicum of remorse for their actions. Not these jackasses: they drive their crappy GMC van to the campground, drinking their Red Dog (not seen outside of fraternity houses since 1993), completely oblivious to the mortal danger surrounding them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: these people deserve to die.
Luther is apparently possessed by the evil spirit of the…”Mangina” (wait, I need to wipe my eyes…man, that’s good stuff). The Mangina makes its presence known by doing an instantly recognizable dance involving some actor tucking his manhood between his legs in what will eventually become known as the “Jame Gumb gambit” from “Silence of the Lambs.” Soon, the Mangina convinces our mentally challenged freak to wreak horrible vengeance on those who killed his Mama.
Before getting to the campers (who apparently have no problem sleeping five to a tent), I should point out the excruciatingly long shots of people…walking. One of the guys meanders for two minutes looking for a place to take a crap, while the Sheriff stumbles through the woods for an interminable amount of time before getting a branch through the thorax. All these incidents eat up a good six minutes of footage that might have been more usefully employed developing characters or establishing mood.
Oh, who am I kidding?
How did the schmucks who made this movie convince the otherwise toothsome Anna Schmeiekka (as Mandy) to take her top off? Could it have been the spirit of the “Mangina” that forced Anna to lift her shirt and allow 50 seconds (no, really…I timed it) of close-up coverage of her breasts? Or could it be, to paraphrase John Cleese from “Life of Brian,” that they’re making it up as they go along?
How else do you explain the supposed genius Mandy’s hilarious flashback to getting molested by her French stepfather, after which she opines, “My backstory sucks?” Or the poor camera work that hints at Luther pulling out Leroy’s (Jug Wang) heart and having carnal relations with it, even though we never really get a good look?
I know Gore hates it when we do this, but everybody but Mandy and Johnny (I think) dies. And Johnny ends up with celery stalks stuck in his eyes. The end.
Except it’s not the end! The filmmakers have screwed up the credits as well. And I’m making up a new rule: if you let your credits run 8 minutes to pad the running time, they get reviewed as well:
BACKWOODS CREDITS
Running the entire movie backwards at the end will win you no friends.
“Similarities” is not spelled “similaritys.”
You guys actually misspelled “Carrot Top.” Your one shot at redemption and you couldn’t even seal the deal. Making fun of Carrot Top is like mocking lawyers or congressmen, and you blew it…unbelievable, but fitting for this movie.

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