As a big supporter of amateur pornography, I’ve watched some very bizarre films in my time. I’ve seen a blind lady awkwardly going at it with her boyfriend. I’ve seen a very large woman getting friendly with various veggies. I’ve seen rednecks doing what could normally be considered a beautiful act, but the gun rack over the bed ruined the mood. I’ve seen a lot, but I’m always looking for more strange amateur porn because it restores my faith in the absurdity of man.

Several years ago, while working in an adult bookstore, I came across an amateur porn movie shot by lesbians for lesbians. The icing on this cake was that it was filmed locally. Double bonus. Not only was it a local amateur lesbian porn, but it also had a story! Triple bonus! Nothing pushes amateur porn to heights of surreal greatness like a plot.

For the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the film. I’m thinking it was “”Hayseed Lesbians,” but I could be wrong. What I do remember is what the film contained. It was the anti-lipstick lesbian film to end all anti-lipstick lesbian films. Good? In some strange way — yes. Erotic? Sweet Rhea Perlman, no.

The plot was forgettable. It had something to do with lesbians on a farm. I didn’t care about that, though. It was the cast and acting that had me hooked.

The lesbians were, to put it mildly, a bit on the heavy side. And they were done up to look like they just escaped from the set of “”Hee Haw.” They wore denim overalls and straw hats and had freckles painted on their faces. Most of them chewed on weeds, too. Classic. It was like some weird psychedelic drug-induced dream that someone took the time to put on film. I didn’t care that the sex was about as exciting as watching horses go at it, or that the women were so unattractive that I almost swore off females all together.

Someone made it. It was supposed to turn somebody on. And people starred in it, baring all, spreading and licking. People took the effort to create this monstrosity, and I respected that.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the spirit of disturbing amateur lesbian porn, I announce the very first Excess Hollywood Amateur Porn Film Contest … and hopefully not the last. Starting the date this column runs and ending one year later, all you amateur porn filmmakers out there will send me your wildest, most demented amateur porn films. The winners will get some sort of prize and acknowledgment, and I may see about actually having a festival (perhaps traveling) for it if interest is high enough. So all you solo artists, lesbians, homosexuals, group gropers, exhibitionists, cosplay freaks, and vanilla screwballs get your cameras rolling. Put your finished product on VHS tape or DVD (I’m not watching anything over the computer — that’s too damn easy) and contact me at bauknin@aol.com (put Film Contest in the subject line) for information on where to send them. You can make a story, or emulate your favorite porn film, or just film people having sex — I don’t care. I’ll announce the films as they come in and keep you folks interested through this column.

Here are the categories: Best Film, Wildest story, Most Erotic, Most Confusing, Least Sexiest, Best Actors, Worst Actors, Most Original, and Honorary Unmentionable. What are the prizes? I don’t know yet, but I have a few ideas. I do know, however, that amateur porn doesn’t get enough respect, and I’m out to change that.

This is all for fun and not anything official where you have submit to a committee and take out ads in the “”AVN” begging for votes. That will get you nowhere. What will get you somewhere? Bribes (that always helps), some skills, and a real passion for what you do.

The regular porn and film worlds have their awards. It’s time for the real people out there to be recognized for what they do. Tell your friends. Tell your neighbors. Hell, tell your parents. This will be the film contest that throws amateur porn into the faces of all those porn snobs and prudes.

One year from today. Let’s make some history.

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