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By Felix Vasquez Jr. | May 8, 2008

So, watching them there flicks on that big screen and paying up the nose just to see if some blond tart can outrun an obsessed teacher, I realized that there were many discoveries this year that have made me a better man. Let’s take a look, shall we?

  1. There should never have been a sequel to “Harold & Kumar.” Talk about a huge disappointment in theaters, this movie was horrible. Not only was it wholly unfunny, but it failed to capture everything the original grabbed from racial undertones, interesting characters, and a well paced story. Want to see them milk NPH until it’s sickening? Watch “Guantanamo Bay.” And yes, it really is as homophobic as “Wild Hogs.”
  2. There’s apparently a market for “Speed Racer” in theaters. He’s always been a character incapable of being interesting (there’s been almost fifteen incarnations, I think) and I don’t think this movie will help. Not even John Goodman will be able to save it, I deduce. We shall see.
  3. Mammoths WERE around in 10,000 B.C. Why didn’t anyone tell me? A-Whoops!
  4. All praise about “Iron Man” being a hero who fights corporate corruption and real world villains will be grossly undermined with the sequel, set to introduce Mandarin and that giant dragon Fing Fang Foom. As long as Tony Stark doesn’t dance to disco music in front of a clothes store, I’ll be happy.
  5. 98 percent of the time bad movies begat bad remakes, which begat bad sequels. And in the seventh day, they rested.
  6. “Jumper” is officially my favorite guilty pleasure of 2008. Bash me all ye want, folks, but I had a blast. It’s this year’s “I Am Legend,” for moi.
  7. Tim and Eric… are pretty awesome after all.
  8. And hey, so is “Fight Club.”
  9. “Sex and the City”… the movie… from the series… which was a book… may end up a huge hit. Why god? Why?
  10. If they can turn “Iron Man” into a cool hero, maybe there’s hope for people like Superpro, Deathlok, Darkhawk, Rocket Racer, Stiltman, Matter Eater Lad, The Wonder Twins, and the sexually ambiguous Aqualad! It’s possible!


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