Film Threat archive logo


By Chris Gore | December 29, 1997

[ THE 10 BEST FILMS OF THE YEAR ] ^ 1. L.A. Confidential ^ 2. The Full Monty ^ 3. Private Parts ^ 4. Donnie Brasco ^ 5. As Good As It Gets ^ 6. Titanic ^ 7. Boogie Nights ^ 8. Shall We Dance? ^ 9. The Ice Storm ^ 10. Waco: The Rules of Engagement
[ THE WORST FILMS OF THE YEAR ] ^ 1. Mousehunt ^ 2. Mr. Magoo ^ 3. An American Werewolf in Paris ^ 4. Flubber ^ 5. Batman and Robin and pretty much every single film from Warner Bros.
[ THE COOLEST HARD-TO-FIND VIDEOS ] ^ (Get them any way you can!) ^ 1. Troops (C.O.P.S. with Stormtroopers from Star Wars) ^ 2. Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee home porn video ^ 3. Jerry Springer’s Too Hot for TV ^ 4. Scott the engineer freaking out from the Howard Stern radio show ^ 5. The X-Files Blooper Tape (lots of raunchy humor) ^ 6. The Reinfather trilogy (from animator Corky Quakenbush) ^ 7. The never-aired OJ Simpson appearance on Michæl Moore’s talk show
[ PORNO TITLES FOR 1997’S MEMORABLE FILMS (C*****g Soon!) ] ^ 1. Anal-stasia ^ 2. Chasing Lesbos ^ 3. Butt-man and Rubbin’ ^ 4. Jackie Brown-eye ^ 5. Wag the Schlong ^ 6. Titanic (which would star John Holmes, if he were still alive.)
[ 45 THINGS YOU’D NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES ] ^ 1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. ^ 2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. ^ 3. Most dogs are immortal. ^ 4. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a St. Patricks Day parade-at any time of the year. ^ 5. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying next to her. ^ 6. All grocery bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread. ^ 7. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. ^ 8. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving. ^ 9. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. ^ 10. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now. ^ 11. You’re very likely o survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. ^ 12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. ^ 13. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. ^ 14. The Eiffrel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. ^ 15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. ^ 16. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. ^ 17. The Chief of Police is always black. ^ 18. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. ^ 19. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. ^ 20. Kitchens don’t have a light switches. When entering a kitchen just open the fridge door and use that light. ^ 21. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any noise in their most revealing underwear. ^ 22. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: enter password now. ^ 23. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. ^ 24. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. ^ 25. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective–or give him 48 hours to finish the job. ^ 26. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. ^ 27. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. ^ 28. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. ^ 29. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. ^ 30. It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations. ^ 31. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. ^ 32. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know when they’re going to go off. ^ 33. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. ^ 34. A detective can only solve a case once he’s been suspended from duty. ^ 35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. ^ 36. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. ^ 37. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. ^ 38. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. ^ 39. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion, will ever go into shock. ^ 40. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. ^ 41. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. ^ 42. You can always find a chain saw when you need one. ^ 43. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds-unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. ^ 44. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. ^ 45. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Join our Film Threat Newsletter

Newsletter Icon