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By Jeremy Knox | August 23, 2007

The film opens with a Japanese schoolboy waiting for the crossing guard to let him go to the other side of the street. The kid’s kind of a brat and after he insults her one too many times the lady guard’s eyes change into something snakelike when she gets mad. This short scene is filled with menace, humor and tight writing.

If only the rest of this f*****g movie could say the same. Even the technique of having three intercrossing stories doesn’t do much to alleviate the boredom since each chapter is a terrible shaggy dog story of a girl who’s body changes into something not quite human. It’s slow, boring, meandering and pointless. Even the music absolutely sucks.

The first story about a girl whose neck can elongate like a snake is presented with such sappy melodrama that even Steven Spielberg would be yelling “Whoa! Whoa! Too much!” It’s not like I want my movies to always be cheery and upbeat, but this is like watching someone kick a puppy for twenty minutes.

The second story about a girl whose nails grow into insane lengths is a little bit better because at least it has small moments of pathos and humor. Beyond that though, it’s just as bad as the first.

The third story about a girl whose face is… well, I won’t say because it’s kind of cool, so let’s just say her face is changing. Anyway, even if this is the only story of the three with even the smallest payoff, it’s still just as pointless and plotless a mess as the other ones. The only thing that even remotely makes it stand out are a few disturbing makeup effects and a token attempt to explain that the changes we’ve been seeing happen because of the girls’ own personal sins.

Only, that’s total bullshit. Girl #2 may have some vanity issues with her nails and Girl #3 may be a bitch, but Girl #1 is shown as nothing less than a saint. So what the f**k? Even the tepid long-in-coming EXPLANATION doesn’t make sense. Just like the rest of the film.

This had so much promise as the ultimate body horror movie. After all, it’s not easy being a girl. Your body is in a constant state of flux. Up until you’re about 10 or 12 everything is fine, but then puberty hits and all hell breaks loose. Boys only have to worry about their voice cracking and spontaneous erections. Girls have got breast growth and periods and pregnancy scares. No wonder so many are insecure. It’s like their whole body rebels against them. Then, just as they’re getting used to it for the next 35 years, they hit menopause and it’s back on the rollercoaster of weird s**t happening yet again. So the whole idea of having women’s bodies going into a state of transformation for no reason just oozed with promise.

In any case, by the time the ending comes and we again meet up with the snake lady from the beginning I couldn’t help but think that they should have made a movie out of her transformation.

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