Being entertained is a nebulous thing. What one person finds engrossing or fun, another might consider dull or unpleasant. This difference of opinion can be readily assessed in films of the so-bad-they’re-good variety. Not all viewers laugh at the earnest incompetence of Amir Shervan, nor are they amused by the high energy but lowbrow jokes of Troma, and most certainly, not everyone enjoys the innate goofiness of a Polonia Brothers title. So, when discussing Wild Eye Releasing’s Girls Just Wanna Have Blood, bear in mind that there will be an audience that will enjoy its stilted acting and swiss cheese storyline.
Girls Just Wanna Have Blood follows Jessica (Amanda Renee), whose home life is a wreck. Her father is nowhere to be seen, her mom, Lucy (Bettina Skye), is a prostitute who sleeps all day, leaving Jessica to take care of her baby brother. As such, the teenager is over life, especially here in her small backwoods town. While taking her brother for a stroll one night, Stacy (Gigi Gustin), April (Penny Praline), and Trish (Destyne Marshai) stand up to bully Val (Chrissy Cavallo) on Jessica’s behalf. The quartet hit it off after that, even if the more serious-minded Jessica gets annoyed at the others’ freewheeling and merrymaking.
But, they allow her to feel like a kid again, which she finds refreshing. As they get to know each, Jessica discovers the truth about Stacy, April, and Trish—they are vampires. Now, she has to choose between joining them in their immortal and immoral ways and trying to defeat them and save her soul and her loved ones. What choice she makes won’t be a surprise, presuming you’ve seen more than two vampire movies.
“…Jessica discovers the truth about Stacy, April, and Trish—they are vampires.”
Writer-director Anthony Catanese never explains or explores his version of the vampire mythos. The first kill the trio makes is to a man they convince to buy them alcohol. Back at their hotel room, before the kill, they are drinking with the man before finally asking if he is ready? Only then do they feed off of him…with one of them getting her fix from the victim’s erect penis. Getting the blood pumping, makes sense. Them using their youthful looks to lure folks to eat also makes sense. But the song and dance beforehand do not. They don’t tend to mess with their food in the same way at any other point in the film. So, why do it here?
Some lip service is paid about how if their victims are drunk, they get a buzz. But Catanese fails to ever follow this up. It does not come into play as a way to stop the vampires, nor is it brought up as an incentive to get Jessica to join them. This means that the way Girls Just Wanna Have Blood introduces its main characters is an odd diversion from how they usually operate. While hardly a dealbreaker, it is indicative of the slap-dash approach of the entire film. Characters are quickly introduced without warning or reason. Late in the movie, a person gets released after spending some time in prison. Apparently, he is the leader of the gang (?) of bikers (?) who the vampires have been feeding off. Until his welcome home party at the local bar, this character is never referenced, discussed, or in any way impacts the story.
Heck, aside from the victims all coming home with Lucy for a quick fix of pleasure, and going to the same hole-in-the-wall dive bar, they did not seem to have a connection to each other. This whole gang thing is a last-minute add on that does not work. Catanese’s awkward plotting extends the other way as well. Jessica’s baby brother figures crucially into the first act and then disappears for at least an hour or more. It is all so distracting, that focusing on the somewhat predictable plot is harder than it should be.
"…being entertained is a nebulous thing."