Cursed demonic circus clowns set out on a vengeful massacre using tornadoes. A stripper, Elvis impersonator, truck driver, teen runaway, and a dude are caught in the supernatural battle between femme fatal and the boss clown from hell.
The first time I saw the poster for Clownado was in a viral tweet. Massive, monstrous clown faces poked out of a giant cyclone, just in time for It: Chapter 2’s release. Surely, I thought to myself, this is another one of those movies from The Asylum. The production company famous for direct-to-video rip-offs of major blockbusters and the Sharknado franchise. This could be fun!
As it turned out, Clownado wasn’t produced by The Asylum. It may be the first movie that tricks viewers into thinking that The Asylum made it. And if the drop in quality between Avengers: Infinity War and The Asylum’s Avengers Grimm: Time Wars seems big, please believe me when I say that the gap between The Asylum’s films and Clownado is even bigger. It made me wish I was watching a film with the professional competency and artistic sense of something like Transmorphers or Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
“…clowns set out on a vengeful massacre using tornadoes…”
I assure the reader that my dislike of Clownado isn’t just because I was hustled. This is a miserable experience, worse than the worst-ever student film. Having it on in the same room as you is like being on an airplane next to someone else’s crying baby. The line readings, the endless closeups of gore, the scenes that drag on for ten minutes when they should be over in thirty seconds. They build and build until it’s no longer a question of “bad taste” or “bad writing/acting/etc.,” but of your own sanity. Clownado transcends cringe. It’s the kind of movie that makes you want to take a shower.
Every person has times when something pierces the veil of manners and customs governing our lives and lets in the dark potential of the world. Violence, physical illness, mental health crises, divorce, poverty. But it’s not often that a piece of media can give you that experience of stepping outside yourself, of realizing how awful the world can be and how subject you are to its chaos. Clownado is the rare film that is able to do that. It’s a limit experience that nobody should have to endure. Please don’t watch it out of curiosity. I guarantee you will regret it.