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By Phil Hall | April 10, 2008

If you are planning to engage in acts of criminal mischief on the grounds of Arkansas State University, be warned that there’s an 18-officer police department ready to slap on the cuffs and haul your sorry a*s off to jail. If you don’t believe me, check out the online short “Your University Police: Arkansas State University.”

This low-energy but pleasant short begins with a bearded student locking his keys in his SUV. One might think he’d call AAA for roadside assistance, or maybe the local Planned Parenthood to borrow a wire hanger, but instead he ambles over to an emergency phone kiosk and dials up for a university police patrol car. Hey, who knew the ASU cops were on hand for that task?

Most of the short is narrated by an officer identified as “Corp. Long” – I assume they mean Corporal Long, not Corporation Long (right idea, wrong abbreviation). Cpl. Long either consumed 25 cups of coffee or fell under the spell of a zombie-generating voodoo witch prior to taping this short, as his eyes are popped open and never blink. In any event, he provides us with cogent information on the university’s department, which patrols the campus 24/7/365 via patrol car, golf cart, bicycle and segway.

Although the campus police have arrest powers, one shouldn’t be afraid of the po-po. As our constable narrator happily tells us: “If you ever approach one of our officers, feel free to stop by and say ‘hi’ to him – they’re very approachable.”

Oh, if you need to approach one of the cops immediately, we are told there are plenty of options: either call 911, or call 9-911 if you are on the ASU campus, or dial 2093 from the campus to speak directly with one of the department’s four dispatchers, or call 972-2093 (the main phone number). Of course, you could just open the window and yell “Help!” — I’m sure one of the 18 cops would be passing by on their golf carts or segways.

Sadly, we never find out if the dum-dum who locked himself out of his car gets roadside assistance from the ASU PD, or if he gets locked up for wearing the t-shirt from the rival University of Arkansas on the ASU campus!

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