So, there I was, watching “Superman Returns”, the movie I’d anticipated for two years.
In front of me, a man and woman with their daughter sit. The daughter keeps stretching her arms above her anxiously, the mom is throwing her head back and sleeping, and the dad keeps checking his cell phone and getting up to go the hallway.
Beside me, two s**t headed fifteen year olds are having their own conversation and laughing up a storm as the crumple of their popcorn bag makes a mighty crunch.
Behind me, some man who’d been there before I entered the theater is discussing something over his cell phone with his girlfriend.
And I’m wondering. Why the f**k do people even go to the theaters anymore?
In New York, or more appropriately in the Bronx,
By bus coming and going, it’s eight bucks, and a matinee is seven dollars.
By car coming and going, it’s fourteen bucks, and the matinee is seven dollars.
Either way, altogether, it’s a considerable amount of money, followed by the hassle of traveling. So why the f**k do you travel, spend a lot of money, and sit down just to talk and have your own conversations? I don’t know about you, but when I go to the movies, I go to watch the god damn movie.
And this is not the first time.
For “X2”, a large family sat around me, and the sons feel inclined to explain every f*****g superpower to their clueless mom aloud who keeps asking “Who’s that guy? Why does he have claws? Why is she blue? His name is Magneto? Why?”
For “The Two Towers” two ten year olds are explaining every single plot twist to one another ruining it for me. Granted, they were just excited and having fun, but they’re kids and I hate kids.
For “Spider-Man 2”, two failed comics decide to throw back and forth one-liners mocking the film through a crowded audience.
In “Revenge of the Sith”, a man sits with his little brother and is pointing out the special effects while waving his arms around like he’s signaling one of the X-Wings to land.
For “The Grudge” a group of teens crash the movie talking loudly, having a conversation on their cell phones and literally start a ruckus.
I can pin it on the films, or the lack of security in the theater, or on technology, but I’m going to blame you, the movie-goer.
Sure, home technology ruined our awareness of consideration, but it’s you who has none. It’s you who talk and give your own little quips, and laughs loudly, and gives a commentary, it’s you who can’t run your errands after the movie, it’s you who can’t control your children.
You, f**k breath. The attention w***e, the malcontent, the failed comedian, the show boater, the man trying out for a DVD commentary. I was raised to know right from wrong, I was raised to consider everyone else, I was raised to know that though I may not want to be somewhere, everyone else could have gone within their own wills and curiosities, why haven’t you done the same?
You are irresponsible, inconsiderate and selfish, and you breed irresponsible, inconsiderate, and selfish children.
Watching these fat, stupid, morons ruining an experience for me reminded me a lot of going to church my last years as a Catholic. I knew I should have been going, I knew I was supposed to do what I was told, and I knew that everyone else probably wanted to be there.
But, I felt like I had to be there, and I was wasting my time, because I felt obligated. Are we so mindless we go to the theaters because we feel obligated? Because the commercial man tells us, we have to go because of that? Why do people waste money, and travel, just to go into a movie theater and think to themselves, “If I’m not having fun, no one will”?
I had to go to see “Armageddon” when it was released in theaters, because there was no one else to stay with when my family went to see it. I hated that movie, I despised it. I still do. It’s a piece of s**t on the big or little screen. But you know what, I sat quietly. I kept my opinions to myself, and then when I left the theater I complained.
But that’s just the way I was raised. That’s just because of good parenting that I remained considerate of others who came to watch the movie. Why did I have to be born in the age of the depletion of good manners, consideration, and good parenting? Why are people such selfish, obnoxious, wasteful idiots?
Why waste money you could use and just piss it away on awful over priced theater food, and sit in a dark room and talk? It’s like going to Hawaii and staying in the hotel room the whole time, it’s like buying new sneakers and never wearing them. Why waste the money, if you’re not going to put it to use? Why waste an experience like that?
I never go to the movies. And it’s for this reason alone. It’s not because I have a large television, a great DVD player, and a library of films, and it’s not because of the disturbingly short time it takes for a film to go from theater to home release. It’s because of inconsideration and lack of etiquette.
I hate going to the movies, because it’s never as good as it used to be. It took hobbits, a batman, the walking dead, a spider-man, a group of mutants, a superman, and the jedi to get me to theaters, and if you’ll notice, all of those films have consistent time gaps between them. It’s because of you, the audience, who refuses to acknowledge that though, you may not want to see the movie, we do.
I watch two movies a year in the theaters, and the rest is waiting for video, or on Demand, or rental. You have forced I, the loyal movie buff, into his home to wait for a video release, all because you can’t shut the f**k up. Why is that? Why are people so inconsiderate of others?
They’re doing stupid studies every day (This just in: People who go to see a movie repeatedly in the theaters are more likely to buy it on DVD! Gasp!), why can’t they do a rather important one on how manners have become an antiquated notion?
I can blame technology and how the evolution of technology has de-evolved our manners, but I’ll blame you. It’s your fault the theater experience is gone. It’s your fault my children won’t know what it’s like to sit in a large dark theater watching magic on-screen, it’s your fault they have to be subjected to bratty kids, fat people walking back and forth, idiots who are running errands during the movie, and the people who buy huge gulp tubs of soda, and go to the bathroom every five seconds because the large was too small for your tastes.
Technology didn’t create rudeness, it just harvested it.
You killed movie theaters.