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By Excess Hollywood | June 6, 2007

A recent issue of “”US Weekly” (May 21, 2007, #640, to be exact) had an interesting article on that car wreck known as Lindsay Lohan, star of a surprisingly inept hit and run video and several shocking Hollywood weight loss specials. It wasn’t about her breast implants, her father’s criminal record, her mother’s shameless exploitation of her daughter’s celebrity status, or even her stay in rehab. What it covered were some photos/video that allegedly showed her in an “˜80s moment snorting coke while in a bathroom stall with friends. (Lindsay snorting coke after a stay in rehab is a shock on level with hearing about a Tom Sizemore arrest.) What was interesting, however, was the list of people Little Miss Lohan has supposedly screwed. One of them was Benicio Del Toro.

I used to have respect for the man, but if this item is true I really have to question him. Even the dumbest of the dumb knows that you don’t f**k young coke w****s because they have a really hard time keeping their traps shut. That’s like rule number one of the game. Ask any coke dealer who has been ratted out by an ex. It’s just not something you do because sooner or later (and it’s hardly ever later) it comes back to bite you on the a*s. (Seeing those photos of a passed out Lohan just forty-eight hours after her most recent accident made me think, “”That guy from “˜Sin City’ has been in that gaping mouth. Hope he washed good afterwards.”)

I can understand Lohan’s appeal … to an extent. She could be considered pretty. She’s young. And I’m sure that when she is as far from sober as she can be and still be conscious, she’s probably pretty wild in the sack. (“”Here, cut a hole in my thigh and use that.”) I’m sure that appeals to a lot of guys, famous or not, on some primitive level. People, especially fellow celebrities, should know better, though.

If this bit about Del Toro is true, and he has wisely kept his mouth shut so I don’t know if it is, it just begs the question: What happens when Lohan is no longer famous? At the rate she’s going she’s eventually going to find herself out of favor with the press and mainstream Hollywood. Movie roles will be offered less and less. She’ll go from co-starring with Jane Fonda to co-starring with Ron Jeremy in a Troma film. Then he’ll introduce her to the world of porn as a career boost. She’ll do it, but eventually porn directors and producers will get tired of her, too. Then what happens? She cleans up her life, appears on “”Montel,” and writes a tell-all book called “”My Life in the Fast Lane: How I Went From Disney to Pornography in a Few Short Years.” Names will be named. Bedroom skills, as unreliable as her judgment skills may have been at the time, will be examined and ridiculed (because that’s what the public wants), and questions will be asked. Pesky questions like issues of age, date rape and so on.

That’s why you don’t mess around with girls wasted out of their minds — especially if you have an ounce of celebrity in you.

At some point, if drugs don’t kill Lindsay, some Hollywood type may. She’ll find out something she never should have known, and somebody is going to realize the girl will eventually talk. How to stop that? Murder made to look like suicide or an overdose. That’s not exactly as far fetched as it sounds, and if her death was reported as suicide or an overdose, how many people would be surprised? Exactly. (I’m trying to get this on the site before this actually happens.) If she had information I didn’t want getting out because it could ruin my career, that option would be on the table. The only other thing you could hope for is that nobody would believe her when she finally spoke, but that would all come down to your star power versus hers … and whatever proof she may have.

I’ve joked about this girl before, but on a very serious note it is painfully obvious where this girl is heading … and it’s equally obvious that she may take some people with her. She’s a dumb person playing in a sandbox she shouldn’t be in, and she lacks the ability of silence. When has that ever been a good combination? And what made someone like Del Toro, if what “”US” reported is true, think it would be a good idea to get involved with her?

I don’t know the answers to that, but I think this story’s ending has been written some time ago. I just hope for her sake it’s a happy one.

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  1. Professor Tom says:

    I think that she should have left the public view a long time ago. Furthermore, she needs to be made an example of, the sooner the better. I hope that she goes down in flames in less then a year in a manner where all the sluts growing girls at home will wake up and realize that she’s no one to even remotely emulate.

    Remember when the media reported she had bought a multi-million dollar home? What was the point? That was when I started hating her and haven’t liked her since.

    P.S. Can she even act?

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