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By Eric Campos | March 24, 2003

Who wouldn’t want to be a vampire? Not to sound like an uber-goober-goth, but being immortal, having superhuman strength, and feeding off the people that I despise sounds like the best thing that could ever happen. This is why, right off the bat, I wasn’t feelin’ this movie at all. It starts off with a guy whining on the phone to someone for help because he’s a vampire and can’t control himself. Poor baby.
“Vampires Anonymous” has joined the ranks of a long line of cinematic attempts to interject a humorous twist into the whole vampire folklore. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a good vampire film that had a wacky twist to it – “I Married a Vampire?” “Once Bitten?” “Rockabilly Vampire?” Mel Brooks couldn’t even make a good, goofy vampire movie with “Dracula: Dead and Loving It.” The effort is futile. Leave the vampires alone. They’re not meant to go to high school, or wrassle crocs in the outback. But nobody listens…
Our newest offender finds a troubled vampire, Vic, joining an anonymous 12-step program that helps the undead control their appetite and blend into society better. As part of the program, Vic heads out of the big city to take up residence in a little backwoods southern town where he can practice his twelve steps amongst a quiet community. One of these steps is to learn to substitute human blood with the blood of sheep. And of course, during his stay in the country, Vic falls for one of the local girls, gets into the trouble with some of the local knuckleheads, and becomes a target for a buxom vampire slayer. This is kinda like the “Doc Hollywood” of vampire movies.
Say if you’re one of those that enjoys a good “fish out of water” tale, or thrills to the site of the vampire myth being disgraced, you’ll still be hard pressed to find any joy watching this flick. When you’re not distracted by the disgusting soundtrack, which mostly consists of the lamest (not to mention completely out of place) techno beats you can imagine, you’ll be cringing from the horrible acting (including a narrator that sounds like Jar-Jar Binks trying to pull a southern accent). Michael Madsen also shows up to embarrass himself as a member of the Vampires Anonymous group who wrangles vampires in need of help. Poor guy.
“Vampires Anonymous.” It sucks.

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