By Admin | February 19, 2006

“Touch me in the Morning” is one of the newest installments from T-T…Troma… ugh. Pardon me, you see, it’s impossible for me to speak that name from my lips without developing a bad after taste. As a film buff, I’ve grown to learn what quality is and what invariably isn’t. So T–Troma is the latter, to put it nicely. And after watching “Toxic Avenger”, and “Nuke’em High”, I don’t see how you can blame me. T-Troma’s motto has always been “We suck and we know it, but we don’t care, and we show it”. And when Eli Roth, the director of “Cabin Fever”, one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, refers to this director as a genius, you can understand my pre-conceived notions and worries about what I’m getting myself in to.

But a recommendation from a hack such as Roth (that’s right, I’m calling you out!) didn’t alter my expectations going in to this; I mean the “Troma” logo did that itself. Sure, you can say I just don’t get what they’re doing, but there’s really nothing to get. They make really bad movies, and pretend its part of their plan all along, and that’s all that comes down to it. You think if they had the ability to make big-budget films they wouldn’t? You’re kidding yourself. As for “Touch Me in the Morning”, it’s bad. It’s really bad. But that’s because Andrews is intent on composing this film as an homage to Bukowski, but the fact is it never manages to come remotely close. “Touch Me in the Morning” is a pointless exercise towards the audiences attention span with utterly rambling dialogue, a plot that’s almost non-existent, and odd and incredibly mind-numbing musical numbers that were neither catchy, funny, or as Roth quoted: “genius”.

Sorry, Roth, this movie is not genius. Since when do you know what genius is? What’s depicted as genius is just a man throwing a lot of camera errors towards the audience presenting it as powerful and artsy, most dialogue is repeated, and our “actors” deliver their lines in almost three different takes on film, almost as if we’re supposed to think of this as a masterful presentation in acting, when it’s just sloppy, and far from amusing. The editing is basically choppy with quick cuts, and long drawn out close-ups, and most times I had to turn up my volume to hear any dialogue. The “film” stars Andrews as Coney Island, a man with seventies glasses who hangs around the elderly singing songs, and embarks on a journey of self-discovery, while bringing the audience on a grueling journey of nails on a chalkboard. Andrews’ films is structured like quasi-Bukowski with a main character on the journey for self-discovery, an odd array of people around him, really drab narration that drones throughout most of the film, and characters that are never as compelling as Andrews thinks.

The bad dialogue is horrible enough, but we have to also sit through really cold scenes between characters, including one where Island asks his mom, through under-whelming dialogue and exchanges, why she and his father broke up. Run of the mill acting is a constant here with every actor appearing as if they’re improvising their lines, while Andrews can barely muster any sense of charisma or personality to make him a watchable main character.

I would loved to have been wrong about “Touch Me in the Morning”, but as most of my instincts, I was dead on as to what I was getting myself in to. Andrews relies on performances from his supporting cast whom are depicted as crude elderly people who scream, and are always wise offering advice to Island. But most of that is forgotten as Andrews looks for any real excuse for gratuitous nudity. Hate to tell you, Andrews, it’s too bad to be art, and played too dramatically to be schlock. “Touch Me in the Morning” is just another film release for the film industry’s retarded cousin, “Troma”.

Suggestion for the execs at Troma for a new byline:

“Troma: 30 years of Reel S**t.”

Fits, doesn’t it?

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