I had been planning on writing a thoughtful and informative piece about the challenges of adapting a hit Off-Broadway play into a movie. You see, John Cameron Mitchell’s Rabbit Hole starring Nicole Kidman, is based on David Lindsay Abaire’s play which first premiered at Manhattan Theatre Club in New York. I, too, am making a film adaptation based on a play that also premiered at MTC, called Between Us by Joe Hortua. (We plan to start shooting this March, but I’m guessing unlike Rabbit Hole, we’re doing a grassroots Kickstarter campaign to fund it.)

But every time I tried to write something, the headline always came out sounding a bit lewd or lurid. By all accounts, Rabbit Hole is a very serious movie that will I’m sure garner lots of Oscar love for the filmmakers — including Nicole Kidman, who was the driving force behind getting the movie made. (In fact, she just got a Golden Globe nomination.) But along the way, I’m equally sure that both film critics and the Hollywood trades will intentionally or not create headlines that will make people giggle or squirm. (I already heard NPR say the film was directed by James Cameron Mitchell – wasn’t he the guy who did the oxymoronically titled “Titantic Shortbus”?) So as a public service to all those headline-writing editors and journalists – and with no disrespect implied or intended – here are my Top 20 Lurid Headlines for Nicole Kidman’s “Rabbit Hole.” (NSFW)

George Clooney Plays, with Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole!
(Trend story about how play-to-film adaptations are all the rage, with George Clooney doing two of them and Nicole Kidman doing one.)

Nicole Kidman’s Fetid Rabbit Hole Stinks Up Her B.O.
(If the movie does poorly, her cumulative box office track record will suffer.)

Hicks Pic Nic’s Pix: Find Her Red Hot Rabbit Hole Finger Lickin’ Good
(If the movie does particularly well among rural & Southern audiences.)

Nicole Kidman’s Overly-Familiar Rabbit Hole Smells Fishy
(If a critic thinks the themes and plot have been done before.)

Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole Gets a Brazilian Cut
(If the film has to be re-edited for the Portugese-speaking Latin American market.)

Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole Still Has Tom Cruise’s Fingerprints On It
(If it turns out that Mr. Cruise secretly was an investor in the original play.)

Urban Finds Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole Legendary
(If inner-city audiences spark to the art house film.)

Throwing Cold Water on Nicole Kidman’s Fiery Rabbit Hole

(If a critic goes against conventional wisdom by giving the film a bad review.)

Fingering Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole for Box Office Blues
(If the film’s poor performance scares people from theaters and brings down overal attendance.)

Looking for Warmth in Nicole Kidman’s Frosty Rabbit Hole
(If a critic finds the tone of the movie particularly cold.)

Wrapping My Head Around Nicole Kidman’s Fuzzy Rabbit Hole
(If a critic is particularly confused by the movie.)

Nicole Kidman’s Lucious Rabbit Hole Glistens with Perfection
(If a critic particularly likes the look of cinematography of the film.)

Crix Nix Nic’s Pix: Give Her Rabbit Hole a Good Licking
(If many critics give the film bad reviews.)

Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole Lubricated with Juicy Parts
(If a critic finds the dynamic performances of all the actors contributed to the film as a whole.)

Nicole Kidman’s Chilly Rabbit Hole Hard to Penetrate
(If a critic finds the grim tone of the movie too off-putting.)

Red Public Hears About Nicole Kidman’s Saucy Rabbit Hole
(If an embarrassed theater-going audience is turned off by what they think is a dirty movie.)

Hard to Get Into Nicole Kidman’s Stuffed Rabbit Hole
(If the film is so popular, people can’t get tickets.)

Nicole Kidman’s Rabbit Hole Smells Like Teen Spirit!

(If the movie does particularly well with the coveted youth market.)

Nicole Kidman’s Wet Rabbit Hole Lures an Eager Public
(If record rainfall on both coasts forces people to seek refuge in movie theaters.)

Nicole Kidman’s Tangled Rabbit Hole Could be Trimmed Around the Edges
(If a critic thinks the film is overly-complicated, and should have been edited more for length and clarity.)

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  1. Jorge says:

    Needs fewer typos.

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