THERE'S A BRAND NEW DANCE BUT I DON'T KNOW ITS NAME Image

We can all breathe easier knowing this:

Get over it, says Isaac Mizrahi.

The fashion designer turned red-carpet renegade has no plans to soften his act come Oscar night March 5.

“I am going to meet people and I love doing that, and I’m not going to put a mask on to meet people now because of whatever interesting controversy was raised at the Golden Globes,” Mizrahi told The Associated Press in an interview this week.

His outlandish pre-show interviews for the E! cable channel at the Globes in January — during which he groped Scarlett Johansson’s breast, asked Eva Longoria about her pubic hair and peeked down Teri Hatcher’s dress — drew as much buzz as the awards themselves.

I’m waiting for the newsflash that Mizrahi isn’t actually gay, and had merely presented himself as such so he could ascend to a position that allowed him to cop feels from the likes of Johansson and Longoria. He’d have a million compulsive masturbators coming to his defense, provided they could stand direct sunlight for long enough.

E! did not receive any official complaints from any of the actresses involved in Mizrahi’s Golden Globes escapades, it says, and issued no apologies. But the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation complained to E! about Mizrahi’s comment to Charlize Theron about her Oscar-winning role as a “scary d**e with no teeth” in 2004’s “Monster.”

Soon after, E! President and CEO Ted Harbert, emphasizing he didn’t condone the language, defended Mizrahi. “Isaac is the last person on Earth who could be accused of even the slightest degree of homophobia,” he said.

On Friday, he again defended Mizrahi, noting that the “vast majority of the reaction, critically and from viewers, was overwhelmingly positive.”

Of course it was, you a*****e. Your viewers are people who actually looked forward to seeing Joan Rivers at these events. If they enjoyed 90 minutes of that shriveled harpy braying at celebrities who clenched their jaws in terror at being in such close proximity to the Reaper’s concubine, they’ll positively s**t themselves for the fabulously over-the-top Mizrahi.  He, in turn, won’t cease his wacky red carpet adventures until the back of his hand accidentally brushes against Mark Wahlberg’s s*****m, elciting a beat-down the likes of which we haven’t seen since that dude flattened Glenn Danzig.

It’s fashion, people: an industry with about as much relevance to the average American as those holiday Lexus commercials showing a guy buying his wife a $60,000 SUV for Christmas. If you’re that enamored of it, then Mizrahi is exactly what you deserve.

Actually, you deserve a nice Moe Howard-style finger in the eye, but he’s dead, and I’m too lazy to drive to all of your houses.

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  1. Mark Bell says:

    “If they enjoyed 90 minutes of that shriveled harpy braying at celebrities who clenched their jaws in terror at being in such close proximity to the Reaper’s concubine, they’ll positively s**t themselves for the fabulously over-the-top Mizrahi.”

    Genius, my friend. GENIUS…

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