To honor the voluminous bad films and myriad boneheaded decisions made by the captains of this noble industry, you are hereby presented with a cinematic salute of poetic polemics. As is the goal with all well-intended verse, may it inspire its target audience to transcend the mundane, or at least to quit sending so much tripe tripping through projectors and into our collective conscience.
HISTORY AT BAY ^ (a/k/a AFFLECKTED BY THE PEARL HARBOR BLUES) ^ A war is a w***e ^ you can pimp on-screen. ^ Surround the battle ^ with some prattle ^ until your purple ^ heart bleeds green.
BALLAD OF THE FAKE MOVIE CRITIC ^ In the capitol of make-believe ^ my sole job was to deceive ^ (which in itself is never a problem). ^ But here’s the part that was the twist- ^ I didn’t actually exist.
Craving a splash of good, friendly ink– ^ the better to cover up celluloid stink– ^ the braintrust at Sony concocted a phony ^ critic to say “Grade A!” to their pile of baloney
But alas, the ruse was not kept quiet ^ and I blew up faster than Ebert’s diet. ^ So if you lack heat, but your flame needs fanning ^ call my faux cell-the name’s David Manning
DEEP FREEZE OF THE FUTURE ^ You should see A.I. when the temperature is high. ^ What was worth it to me was the balmy A.C.
PT 2: DROID WHERE PROHIBITED ^ The late Kubrick’s orphan was found in a rut ^ after Spielberg babysat with his eyes wide shut.
TOP 40 CINEMA DESERVES AN ENEMA ^ If you are a star in the realm of Pop ^ take some advice from this cultural cop– ^ N’Sync on a screen is a plot so obscene ^ it would make even Pauly Shore titter. ^ And Mariah, you pariah, you can’t Carrey a film ^ so baby, baby please don’t ever Glitter.
Get the rest of the story in part two of THE YEAR IN CINEMA 2001>>>