By Steve Anderson | April 18, 2007

If Jack Chick ever gets a hold of this movie, all is lost. It won’t take long for him to start screeching at his TV screen, howling about how he’s finally found proof of the the depravity of the Catholic church. And when someone finally tells him it’s just a movie, his head would probably explode. Especially when you not only trot out the topless nuns in the first five minutes, but also feature the quasi-forcible sodomy of a priest. By the nun. Trust me on this: if you think hearing about it is unpleasant, wait until you actually see it. Assuming you even want to–I certainly wish I hadn’t.

And next on the list of things I wish I hadn’t seen is “The Three Trials”. This entire movie is going to be lined from stem to stern with moments that I wish I hadn’t seen. Describing them would take far too long and require me to learn a whole host of terms that would probably get me banned from my ISP.

Note to filmmakers: it’s generally a bad idea to advertise on the back of the box that your movie is open to interpretation. Doing that makes your movie an open target. That also means I’m not going to be able to give you a whole lot of plot exposition on this one–suffice it to say it involves a nun who leaves her convent after watching that earlier described scene and passing through various rapidly-changing adventures. Most of these adventures will involve pandering on a scale heretofore unimagined outside of the internet: furries, S&M folk, nunsploitation fans, torture porn enthusiasts, and plenty of others will find something to love with this.

Meanwhile, most of the rest of us will be off in a corner having dry heaves at the thought of a hot chick getting banged by an anthropoidal wolf, and by what she has to do to get him hard first. Yes, you’ll get to see that too.

And by the time I got to the three hundred pound fat guy crawling around with the orange branch sticking out of his a*s and his belly halfway to the floor, I’d pretty much lost all hope. Which was good, because by then there was only about ten minutes left to the movie anyway, so it wasn’t like I had to put up with a whole lot more. All in all, “The Three Trials” is a horrific, nauseating, and ultimately mindless conglomeration of the obscene and the asinine. And at the end of it all, a complete and total waste.

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