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By Pete Vonder Haar | April 25, 2005

Being the responsible online journalist I am, I should insert an obligatory warning here about how there may be things divulged in this column that could potentially ruin your enjoyment of “Episode III.” Far be it from me to expose you to shocking facts you may not be prepared to absorb, though if you’re actually reading something called the “Star Wars Report” and are still bunged up about viewing potential spoilers, you might be better off crawling into your couch cushion fort for a few weeks until the movie actually comes out.

Having said that, there are always those jackasses who simply have to be the first to know all the secrets about an upcoming movie or TV project (nowadays, we call these people “internet users”). The Star Wars franchise has never been any stranger to this phenomenon. Indeed, nosy fans poking around for information about “Empire” led to Lucas hiding the fact that Vader was Luke’s father from all but five other people (Dave Prowse not being one of them, hilariously enough) and creating mock crew gear for a movie called “Blue Harvest” to keep people from snooping around “Jedi’s” set. Things have only gotten more complicated with the advent of digital cameras and the web, as spies continue to go to enormous lengths to get scoops about the prequels.

Then again, just about every salient aspect of “Revenge of the Sith” (or “War of the Worlds,” or “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” or any movie coming out in the next few months) has been available for display and dissemination online for some time. Photos of a lava-crisped Anakin were online over a year ago, and an illustrated screenplay has been making the rounds for months. That document features production photos that reveal the ultimate fates of Mace Windu and Padmé Amidala, and also give away a great deal about the battle between Obi-Wan and General Grievous, the climactic duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan, and the fifteen minute scene detailing the gruesome tortures inflicted by Darth Sidious upon Jar Jar Binks.

Sorry, that last one was just wishful thinking.

In short, spoilers have been there for the spoiling for quite some time, not that any of it’s going to come as a real surprise to fans, of course. No less an august publication than Dynamite magazine had an article explaining how Vader took a volcano bath back in the ‘70s, and it was obvious to even the densest of twelve year-olds that Obi-Wan and Yoda would be the only Jedi to emerge from the prequels unscathed.

For those who want official sanction of their insatiable curiosity, there’s always the official novel. “Revenge of the Sith – The Book” by Matthew Stover came out a couple weeks ago, and contains everything you could possibly want to know about the film for the indescribably pathetic loser who lacks even the most basic Neanderthal willpower needed to wait a month to see everything unfold on the big screen.

I finished it last week.

Get the rest of the report in part two of THE STAR WARS REPORT: TO THE WINNER GO THE SPOILERS>>>

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