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By Pete Vonder Haar | February 22, 2005


As with any illness, condition, or delusional state, there are certain stages one must go through in order to fully realize the direness of their situation. I’ve helpfully listed them here:

1. “BLISSFUL IGNORANCE” (“Star Wars”)– Think of those magical first moments with that special someone…remember the breathless anticipation you felt at the thought of seeing him again and the way you hung on his every word? And what about the captivating aliens in the cantina scene? Or the visceral thrill of the trench assault? Weren’t you wide-eyed and full of awe and hope for what the future would bring? Sure, there had been other movies before, but nothing like this. You were blind to any supposed flaws, and the thought never entered your mind that you might be betrayed. Or hurt.

2. “THE HONEYMOON” (“The Empire Strikes Back”) – Months (or years, or days…it’s the 21st century after all) have flown by and now you’re married. For better or for worse. Wasn’t the ceremony grand? Weren’t the flowers beautiful? Your bridesmaids looked fabulous and so did Cloud City (and can you believe Vader is Luke’s father?). How silly you were to listen to those naysayers who tried to dilute your enjoyment by talking about hackneyed dialogue and poor acting. This latest experience was just so damned satisfying it doesn’t seem like the happiness could ever end. Does it?

3. “WARNING SIGNS” (“Return of the Jedi”) – First, there was that red lipstick smear on his collar, then the mysterious hang-ups, and then there were the Ewoks. Elements of this relationship are still satisfying, like Vader pitching the Emperor into the abyss, or Leia in a bikini, but more and more it feels like you’re being mocked. Legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett dies in a pratfall? And what was really wrong with the title “Revenge of the Jedi” anyway? That’s like Mr. Wonderful throwing his beer at you and calling you a “bitch.” Still, Lucas is a good man, and there’s no reason you can’t work this out in counseling…or during the first prequel.

4. “JAR JAR” (“The Phantom Menace”) – Seeing (and hearing) that flop-eared Gungan bastard on screen was like the first coppery taste of blood in your mouth after one of his insolent backhands. How? How could this have happened? Surely you didn’t fall in love with midichlorians. Wasn’t your relationship/franchise supportive and rewarding at one time? The words, the hurtful stinging words, both from him and from that excruciating Jake Lloyd, make you cry. Will there ever be good times again? Or will everything be forever tainted by the memories of those obnoxious pod race announcers and hints of an immaculate conception?

5. “ANOTHER CHANCE” (“Attack of the Clones”) – Compared to the last incident/film, everything almost feels like it’s coming up roses. He’s been so much nicer lately, and wasn’t that Yoda-Dooku fight scene the s**t? Sure, there were moments that made us cringe in anticipation of more abuse (Anakin surfing on the back of some herd beast), but at least it was better than last time, right? He’s promised to try harder (and that the next movie will be rated PG-13). Would it hurt to take him back, just this once? Don’t worry, you can change him.

We’ve all been there. Rest assured, at Film Threat, we feel your pain.

Read the next installment in THE STAR WARS REPORT: “WHAT’S IN A NAME?”>>>

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