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By Eric Campos | February 10, 2003

A fellow Film Threat reviewer told me to just review the flicks I get in ABC order – since I was doing that whole thing where I tried to save the best for last. Now, I’m not saying what set of rules I was using to determine what might be the best and what might be painful as labor, but whatever it was, it just wasn’t working. I deliberately saved this one, because I thought it might just be better than it really turned out to be. “Killer” shorts? I suppose. For those who have very little imagination.

While not awful, by any means … I was just … so … bored. It seemed as if I was constantly waiting for something to happen, and by the time I thought it might, the damn short was climaxing. Kinda reminded me of most, if not all, of my female lovers. Or that date I had once, with one of my jock co-workers – I just kept waiting for it to get better, not realizing it was about to get a whole lot worse.

To briefly rant about the introduction is necessary, if only as a warning to viewers to just FF through it – it was pointless and windy, cutting to random scenes from random films, chief among them “Dawn of The Dead,” and finally, set to the overrated and overused Drowning Pool song, “Bodies.” I call that silly sensory overload to be skipped.

So, all that notwithstanding, in no particular order, the following is a list of the shorts and well, a short review:

“Tomorrow’s Bacon” ^ Written and Directed by Bryon Norton ^ Starring Claudia Belmont, Roberta Dean, Michael Morrows, Arthur Roses ^ Plus Guest Films, 2000 ^ An aging couple, embittered by years of each other’s presence, cross paths with a diner waitress who just wants her shift to end. A short which, had potential, starting out tense and creepy, not to mention well-acted, and then just ended. Or rather, the director perhaps forgot to add one. Or maybe I am just cranky due to the unsatisfying nature of this short’s ‘ending.’

“Subway” ^ Written and Directed by James S. Murray ^ Starring Heather Soto, Gideon Horowitz, Chris McFarland ^ 2002 ^ Easily, the best short of the bunch – it retained a foreboding atmosphere throughout. Hunter and prey tangle and let’s just say the former gets what’s coming to him, and even cynical me had to smile at the ending.

“Cup O’Abominations” ^ Directed by Ben Hillman ^ Starring John Jinks, Don Leslie, Melinda Wade ^ Abominable is correct, since this short is mostly animated, mostly scripted with dialogue from the Book of Revelations, and mostly interminable. It was after this short that I kept praying to the techno gods, to make my DVD player just give out.

“Missing” ^ Written and Directed by Terrence Atkins ^ Starring Tony Maggio, Candace Reid, Gavin Atkins, Johnny Morello, April Patton ^ A House on the Hill Picture ^ This short could have been a whole lot shorter, in that I haven’t seen a serial killer this silly and unconvincingly portrayed since Christian Bale in “American Psycho,” and I haven’t seen acting this bad, since well, the short preceding this one. Although, I can politely state that, if I had been drinking, I might have found something to like, which is the best compliment this short will see from me.

“Non-Abductees Anonymous” ^ Written and Directed by Philip Powell ^ Starring Doc Clay, Carmen Dubnik, Chad Edwards, Sarah Kelly, Jim McHeny, Chris Partick ^ 2000, Leading Edge, Inc. ^ This short concerns those who have not been abducted by aliens and just want to find a mothership that’s right for them. “Anonymous” wanted so desperately to be funny and well-liked, they even brought out cute alien costumes. But even those just weren’t enough.

“Slasher Flick” ^ Written and Directed by Nick Basile ^ Starring Ernio Hernandez, Allison Crosby, Christina Vasquez, Kevin Glacken ^ 1999, Quattica Pictures ^ A night janitor watched horror movies and then, oops, finds himself in one of his own. Cute, but much like the relationship I had with that jock, someone just should have known when to call it quits – I’ve seen the “Scream” trilogy, Wes Craven should have known better, too.

“Entrapped” ^ Written and Directed by Alan Smithee ^ Starring Jayson Vades, Rick Schneider, Jeanne Quinn, Patrick Connors, Marisa Nicole Brown ^ 2002, One Man Show Productions ^ I’ve always wanted to write a review where I put my readers into the middle of the action! Um, there just wasn’t any in this short, though, so I’ll have to try and out you somewhere else. Preferably as far away from this short, as possible. Again, what could have at least started out as a “Twilight Zone” reject, didn’t even measure up to local community theater production standards or a “Buffy” episode. There’s a man in a cage, does he want to die or get out? If you can sit through the dialogue, you may just find out.

“Plasticity 1.7” ^ Written and Directed by Brian Forrest ^ Starring Eric Forsythe, Shannon Convery ^ 2001, Number K Films ^ Vaguely interesting visuals and set-up, but really just another talky short that nearly drove me to tears, because it had such potential. I’m not sure what’s worse: wasted potential or never having any potential at all. A man and woman must decide the ultimate fate and both technology and the past come to a head in this short based on a play by Oliver Nowak.

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